Light bulbs and more...

Light bulbs. Pretty simple right? Yeah, you would think so but...not so much. Do you have ANY idea how many options there are for light bulbs? I bought 2 lamps today. Took me about 15 minutes to find the lamps that I wanted and then it took me 35 MINUTES to find the light bulbs. There are regular (incandescent) bulbs (I think they might be illegal now except for Texas where we don't put up with bullshit regulations for light bulbs), CFL's, and LED's. I won't go into the description for these - you can look that crazy business up and I don't understand it anyway but let me just say that the top of the line light bulb costs WAY more than the plain old light bulb. Want bright light, soft light,warm light, Bud lite, daylight? I finally gave in and bought one LED and one CFL (even though they apparently have boron, mercury, krypton, are radioactive and a fire hazard,and can cause electromagnetic interference I live on the edge.) The LED says it should last 22.8 years. You know what, I'm keeping my receipt.

The light bulb aisle

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: We choose not to make a statement of either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb however, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way,long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.

Today I went through the drive thru at the bank. Typically choosing the drive thru indicates that you don't have time or don't want to enter the branch. It might mean that you are in a bit of a hurry. Today, I was in a bit of a hurry and needed some cash. My debit card expired so I knew the ATM wouldn't work thus the drive thru option. I sent the tube with my DL and expired card. I explain about the card expiring, she verifies my bona fides and then the following conversation ensues:

T: Would you like to come in and get a new card?
Me: No, I don't have time right now.
T: It only takes about 10 minutes.
Me: Sorry, maybe later.
T: Do you want to make an appointment?
Me: No.
T: Sometimes it gets busy and you have to wait.
Me: OK, but I don't have time right now, maybe later.
T: Do you live in a home?
Me: Excuse me?
T: A house, do you live in a house?
Me: Yes. (in my head I'm thinking WTH?)
T: Do you want to refinance your house?
Me: No.
T: How about remodeling? Do you want to come in and see about getting a home improvement loan?
Me: No. (in my head - well, I won't even tell you - I'm sure you can guess)
T: Our rates are very competitive.
Me: I'm sure they are. I just really only have time to get cash today (barely.)

I understand the art of the upsell but this wasn't a "do you want fries with that" kind of upsell. I was in the drive thru just wanting cash. Why in the hell are you asking me these ridiculous questions. I know it's not her fault. Some paper pusher in corporate thought this would be a great way to get people to refinance their homes and came up with a script that everyone had to go through before money could be dispensed. The ATM probably has extra prompts on it now asking the same questions. Sometimes stuff just doesn't make any sense at all. It does however explain why it takes so long to get through the drive thru these days!

Et Tu Target?

I think my issues with Wal-Mart have been well documented but so far I haven't had problems with Target - until today.

All throughout the health and beauty area they had deals for buy X# of items and you would get a $5.00 Target gift card. Cool. So I bought 3 different sets of products that should have qualified me for 3 gift cards. The first one went through without a hitch. Then we got to the vitamins and it didn't work. Hmm. Then the toothpaste didn't work either. The cashier said, "It will tell us automatically when there is a deal." Well, there are 2 more deals there that we're missing. So, she calls her GSLT or GLTS or some other dumb acronym over to help. Well the dumb acronym comes over and says, "It comes up automatically on the register if there is a deal" then she leaves. Thanks Ms. Acronym!

At this time I'm starting to doubt myself. I'm thinking - that computer really should know what it's doing. I'm probably wrong. I pay and ALMOST leave. Then I think, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer or as one of Katy's friends used to say, "not the brightest bulb in the light bulb store" but I really think I have this right. I go to customer service and ask to leave my cart (because it was one of those damn squeaky ones) so I could go check some prices. I go check and I take pictures of the offers. When I did this I realized that on one of them I had bought a bottle with the wrong quantity - it had to be a quantity of 65 instead of 80 (they were mixed together on the shelf) but that was easy to fix. Of course the customer service girl had to call Acronym over to help.

5.8 + 5.8 does not equal 11.6 because you can't add them.

According to this offer if I buy 3 2-pk (11.6 oz) Crest etc...then I will get a $5 GC. You might not know this but toothpaste doesn't come in 11.6 ounce tubes. Until today I didn't know nor did I care about that. Of course, it doesn't have to because when you get a 2-pk of toothpaste (5.8 ounces each) that equals 11.6 ounces. But you can't add them. This is what the acronym told me. She insisted that it had to be 11.6 ounces and therefore I needed 3 2-pk with the tubes being 11.6 ounces each. To this I reply, "OK, where are the packages of 11.6 ounce tubes?" Hint: she couldn't find them because they don't exist.  Any time I said that 5.8 + 5.8 = 11.6 she would say, "no, you can't add them." Well, it seems as though we are at an impasse because I bloody well CAN add them. She continues to look for the cagey 11.6 oz tube (a 2-pk no less) but it continued to evade her. I'm waiting somewhat patiently for her to come to the same conclusion that I had reached that you could in fact add 5.8 + 5.8 and that everyday, all day it would equal 11.6. Maybe the sign was worded poorly but I caught on to it fairly quickly and I'm the customer not the acronym. The print is really small but it says *Free $5 Gift Card when you buy 3 select hair care, skin care, OR personal care items as signed. So she asks me if I bought any hair care items too. No, no I didn't. I didn't have to because it says OR not AND. Finally, she gives up. I want to add that throughout this experience we were both very cordial and friendly (yes, even me) but I wasn't leaving without my GC! She takes me back to customer service and I leave with my 3 $5.00 Target gift cards! And 3 X 5.00 = 11.6!

A Christmas Tale

Dear readers, I think you might be ready for this story. I will warn you ahead of time that it is not for the faint of heart. It is a story of great bravery, a story of clinching victory from the claws of defeat. A story of incredible brute strength, and the will power to succeed. A sad, sad, sad, story but at least it ends... well, I will let you decide about the ending.

It happened about this time last year, on a cold, snowy late afternoon. The snow was about 6 inches thick. OK, maybe it wasn't snowing. I think it was sleeting, or was it hailing? OK, maybe the weather was alright. The setting...the parking lot of my favorite retail store - Walmart.

I was shopping for a few last minute items for Christmas. The store was so crowded I could barely maneuver my cart (did you know that the average shopping cart weighs 33 pounds empty?) through the aisles. Kids were running everywhere screaming and playing with all of the toys and leaving them strewn  all over the place. It was like trying to walk in a field and dodging the cow poop. It was terrifying. I found my few items, actually I found more than I intended to find. My cart ended up being fuller than expected. Now it was time to check out. Oh the Christmas joy. Luckily I spotted the lawn and garden area - there was no line there! Can you imagine - NO LINE! The other lines were 12 people deep. Suckers. By the way, did you know that they put the worst cashiers and the ones that speak the least amount of English in the lawn and garden department? It's true. Another Walmart employee told me. Remember that Walmart allows customers to be their own cashier so you really expect the cashier to be able to handle ordinary transactions. It is my personal experience that I really need to lower my expectations when shopping at Walmart. Looking back on it now it's possible that the guy didn't really work there - he was probably just there waiting for his wife and thought what the hell. Finally, my transaction was complete. Time to make my way to the car with my shopping cart that weighs 33 pounds empty. It wasn't empty.

When I park my car at any shopping establishment with carts I typically park a little bit further out but near a cart corral. I figure if people are parked near a cart corral they are more likely to actually put their carts up instead of being a total lazy ass and just leaving it in the middle of the parking lot so it can roll into my car and cause cart dings. So, as I was trudging through the six inches of snow - oh yeah, I forgot it wasn't really snowing.

Are you aware that if you take your cart outside of "the zone" at Walmart that the cart wheels actually lock up on you?

They are really serious about this.

The average shopping cart costs anywhere from $75.00 to $175.00. So I can understand not wanting to lose your carts. However, if you remain in the parking lot then the cart SHOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LOCK!!!! You might guess what happened to me. Yes dear readers, the cart locked up about 5 aisles (or was it miles) away from my car. I WAS STILL IN THE PARKING LOT! I was not racing the cart on Central Expressway. I was in the parking lot. The parking lot of Walmart. Not Target. I wasn't pushing it to Denny's. I wasn't stealing it. I was in the parking lot. The Walmart parking lot - not even close to leaving it.

The dilemma. I couldn't leave the cart and go get my car because someone could steal all my treasures. My only option was to somehow get the cart to my car with wheels that did not roll. Did I mention that carts weigh 33 pounds empty? Mine wasn't empty. So, I picked up one end of the cart up and moved it. Then I took the other end of the cart and moved it. This was a very, very, slow arduous, laborious process full of great hardships and requiring a great deal of strength and vigor. I did this for several minutes before I had to rest to find my area of tranquility, my mental calm. Yeah right. I had to rest because the damn cart probably weighed 70 pounds at this time and I was literally inching it toward my car. Sweat was pouring off my body. After a brief repose I continued my trek the same way. One end carried, then the next end. When retelling this story someone asked why I didn't call customer service. I reminded them that I was at Walmart not Macy's or Nordstrom's. I was at Walmart.

I have no idea how long it took me to get this stupid cart to my car. I'm going to guess 20 to 30 minutes. That's 20 to 30 minutes to stew in my own anger. None of my meds or the voices in my head could help me at this point. No one else helped either. That really pissed me off too. I'm sure it was fun to watch - there might even be a youtube video of it somewhere with me fighting this cart every little step of the way. At the very end when I was almost to the car a man helped me. He said the same thing had happened to him.

Was it worth it you might ask. Well, this is one of the bargains I got that day - it was 50% off.

It now lays broken and sad in our yard. A cruel reminder of that day.

It supposedly counts down the number of days until Christmas except that you actually have to manually change the days yourself. Yeah, I'm going to do that. When the ice and sleet hit (for real this time) it fell over and broke. I'm glad it broke - I hate that sign. It mocks me.

So there it is my friends. My very own Christmas miracle. My Christmas Tale. My Walmart Christmas hell.

Gotta go, I just saw an ad for all the sales at Walmart! Maybe I can get a new Santa sign!

When the baby in your life already has everything they need...

Have you ever been to Toys R Us 2 weeks before Christmas? I have and it sucks. It had me wanting to run as fast as I could to Walmart. However, I didn't run. I don't know what held me there. I just kept walking the aisles looking for inspiration.

People, we do not live in simple times. A bicycle, board game, and some little stuff in your stocking just don't cut it anymore. Imagine someday telling your grandchildren that the toys you played with didn't talk. How in the world we ever learned anything as infants and toddlers without toys talking to us I will never know. Even with all this crap we are still one of the dumbest nations in the world.

Check this out:

CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad

• Comfortable and child-friendly potty with activity stand for iPad (2nd, 3rd, and 4th generation)
• Adjustable stand securely holds and helps protect iPad while kids play
• Easy to clean with removable inner potty bowl, potty seat and splashguard
• Clear touchscreen protector guards against smudges and messy hands
• 360° Rotating stand easily switches between horizontal and vertical views

Yeah, they went there.

Did you notice the part where the touchscreen protector guards against smudges and messy hands? Smudges? Really? Those smudges wouldn't happen to be brown would they? It has a splashguard too. I tried to upload a picture of this thing but I'm too technically challenged to do so. I'm sure it is because I had to use my imagination when playing instead of having it electronically transmitted to my brain while taking a dump.

Or this:

Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Apptivity Case: iPad Edition

• Let baby be in control of the electronic while still protecting your device
• Place the device into the case, twist the locks, then your device is protected
• Offers three ways to play: roly-poly based, easel, or place
• Compatible with iPad 1 or iPad 2
• Ships in Certified Frustration-Free Packaging
• Download free Fisher-Price apps from iTunes

Uhm. Did that first line say let baby be in control of the electronic? I think there is a typo in the description because I don't understand the three ways to play. The good news is that it ships in a frustration-free package so your baby can open it right away and watch some porn on youtube. 

Don't know about you but we need another remote in our house. With the Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn remote fun responses help baby learn cause and effect. If i push this button it turns off Mommy's baseball game and she screams. Is that the kind of cause and effect they are looking to achieve? Like a real remote control inspiring early role play. (Hey honey, have you seen the remote? While you're up be a darlin' and fetch me a beer?) Is that the role play we want because I'm not really thinking up many role playing games a baby can play with a remote.

This is insane. But, back to Toys R Us. As you are walking down the aisles stuff just starts lighting up and talking. Every few feet there is another magic box that lights up and stuff starts moving and talking. Creeps me way out. Suddenly toys coming to life in Andy's room doesn't seem so far-fetched. 

One aisle had a series of interactive electronic toys. One grandmother picked up a toy drum thing and it just starts playing. She looks at me and says, "How do I turn the thing off?" Of course I had no idea short of pulling the batteries out and throwing it across the store which quickly became an option I was considering. She was thankful that this toy was not for her house. Gosh lady, who do you hate that much?

Then I picked up this cute little bugger and innocently pushed the light up driver button:

• Electronic play vehicle responds to SmartPoint? locations on Go! Go! Smart Wheels playsets (sold separately)
• Light-up driver button activates learning, music and sounds
• Perfectly sized for little hands
• Teaches the letter "F" and vehicle name while encouraging pretend play
• 9 Playful melodies and sing-along songs keep children engaged

Two things you need to notice here:

1.  Electronic play vehicle responds to SmartPoint locations on Go! Go! Smart Wheels playsets.
2. Teaches the letter "F" (Oh, I think I will have that one covered.)

As for the first item, the vehicle responds to the SmartPoint locations. Let me translate that for you. If you innocently push the little light up driver button utter chaos ensues. These damn things talk to each other! I'm standing in an aisle of these vehicles and play sets. I feel like I'm experiencing the Apocalypse. It finally quiets down and I see one man reach for the ambulance and I launch myself at him to slap the car out of his hands. He had no idea. He was innocent, uninformed, but I saved us all. Oh, and don't get me started on the toy microphone. I barely brushed past it and it started loudly playing some crappy song. Fortunately it was far enough from the drum set so that didn't start up again. I'm wondering when pets are making their nightly patrols of the house does it set these toys off? Heart attack waiting to happen.

I actually didn't buy anything at Toys R Us. While standing in one of the aisles I pulled my smartphone out and got on amazon.com. I scanned the barcode of one of the toys that didn't talk (yes, I did find some) and found it cheaper on amazon and ordered it right then and there! I may not have had a training potty with an ipad but I can pull out some tech savvy when it means saving my sanity. Not that there is much left of it to save after today's trip.

Black Friday

So I think last week I had promised a black Friday post but then my dear friend Tracy decided to have a baby. She went into labor Thursday night so Amelia and I went to their house to stay with DJ and Lily. I had planned on getting up super early and hitting all the malls and especially all the Walmart's and just shop all day - because I so love to shop especially at Walmart. Had to cancel those plans - I'm sure I missed some really good deals and hanging out with really nice, friendly, and patient customers and employees. Christmas really should be moved to a less hectic time.

So, onto my second favorite black Friday memory. I believe everyone at some point in their lives should experience black Friday - you know like everyone should experience brain freeze, root canals, or rectal exams. I realize that at times I am prone to some tiny amount of exaggeration but this probably, mostly is how things happened. 

Phone conversation a few days before black Friday:

Mom: I think we should take Katy to the Galleria this Friday to watch the Santa light the big tree.

(At that time they had a Santa that skated on the ice rink and then lit up this ginormous tree they had in the middle of the ice rink.) This may still happen I haven't been near the place since. My GPS is set to send out a loud warning if I get near it so I can employ evasive maneuvers. 

Me: What?

Mom: We should go to the Galleria and...

Me: No, I heard you I just don't understand you.

Mom: It will be fun.

Me: For who?

Mom: Katy

Me: She's 2, she doesn't even know they do this. It's not like she will miss it. I don't think 20 years from now she's going to need therapy because she didn't see some fat guy in a red suit skate around a big tree in the midst of a horde of people.

Mom: He won't be fat. He will be wearing a fat suit.

Me: This is crazy.

Mom: It will be fun. We will go early and get a good spot for watching. 

Me: OK. I will do it but I just want to go on record saying this is just crazy.

Mom: OK, I will be at your house at around 8:00 Friday morning.

Me: Ugh.

Black Friday at the Dallas Galleria (yeah, go big or stay home!):

Realize that we can't really shop there. I think at that time they might have had a card store. We could have shopped and actually bought something there. Everywhere else - uh uh. Way out of our league. Here was the plan: get to El Fenix early for lunch (El Fenix overlooked the ice) so we would have a good seat to see the show. We got there early. Got a table right there on the ice. Perfect view. We eat our lunch. Then, and I kid you not this happened.

Mom: Are you ready to go?

Me: What?

Mom: Are you ready...

Me: No, I heard you, I just don't understand you.

Mom: We need to leave so someone else can have the table. It's not fair to the waiter for us to just sit here.

Me: It's not our fault that he pulled the short straw and had to work today. Triple tip him. I'm not giving up these seats. I thought the whole point was to get here so we can watch the fat man.

Mom: He's not fat, he's wearing a suit.

Me: Oh dear Lord.

Mom: So, are you ready. We can get a spot around  the rink.

Me: No we can't. Have you actually seen the crowds? We are in a perfect spot. No one in this entire, ginormous, ridiculous place has a better view than we do right this minute. I'm not leaving.

Mom: It isn't right to keep this table occupied while so many people are waiting to get in and eat.

Me: No one standing out there actually thinks they are getting in here right now. They should have gotten here early like we did. Poor planning on their part.

Mom: We really should go.

Me: OK. I will do it but I just want to go on record saying this is just crazy.

We get up to leave and everyone stares, points, and starts talking quietly. The waiter is shocked. The first people waiting in line are shocked and ever so pleasantly surprised. I'm just bewildered. Katy has no idea what is going on other than the fact that Nanny has talked up this Santa experience to her and she is waiting to see the fat guy (I KNOW HE'S NOT REALLY FAT OK) light the huge tree. Of course we get out and there is not a single spot around the entire rink. I end up holding Katy up on my shoulders so she can see this event. I can't see a thing nor at this point do I care.

Mom: Well, I guess we really did have a nice view where we were originally.

Me - speechless. We walk 12 miles to where the car is parked. That was my one and only black Friday shopping experience. Thank heaven for amazon.com!

So, you might ask - if this was my second favorite black Friday experience then what was my FAVORITE black Friday? Well, last week of course. Ellie Clare Burnett was born a little after 6:00 a.m. last Friday. I can't think of a better black Friday experience than holding a newborn baby. When Tracy told me she was pregnant I was shocked. I thought good grief, you have 2 perfectly good kids that I already adore - I don't think I can handle another one. Of course the minute I saw her I was in love with her. The heart just has a way of growing doesn't it?

However, even as a light was brought into their world another one was dimming. Their sweet dog Scruffy passed away this morning. He had a long and very happy life and will be sorely missed by everyone that knew him. I only knew him for 5 years but my heart is broken to lose this little guy. Congratulations and condolences for the Burnett's during this happy and sad time in their lives.

I hope each of you are enjoying this holiday season and have the time to reflect and remember the real reason for the season, Christ our Saviour the greatest gift ever given.

Questions...Surveys...I just want to get my crap and leave!

Remember those commercials where people were in a shop and everything was running so smoothly because people were using their debit card and then, OH THE HORROR, someone wrote a check and it made the earth move a little bit off its axis?

Now, when you use your debit card for transactions it's slower than if you write a check. Here's the transaction:

Machine: Debit: Y/N?
Response:Y
Enter Pin:
Pin entered
Machine: Would you like to donate to the starving kids in some country you've never heard of? Y/N
Response: N
Machine: Are you sure? They are children and they are starving. I see that you've bought a case of cokes and some Cheetos. Do you realize how many kids could eat a wholesome meal with the money you just spent on junk food? From the looks of you I don't think you need this junk. Are you still sure you don't want to feed the children? Y/N
Response: Y
Machine: Greedy, selfish bitch. Is the amount $15.74 correct? Y/N?
Response: Y
Machine: As if you could add that all up by yourself anyway. Do you want it all on the card or do you want to pay cash for part of it, or split it between 2 cards because you've run up your credit limit on all your cards buying stuff you don't need while children starve? Y/N?
Response: Y
Machine: Well, I guess that will do for now. Those poor starving children.

People in line behind you are tapping their feet and looking at their watches.

Clerk: Here is your receipt. At the bottom you will find a survey you can complete to tell us how we are doing. Clerk takes pen and circles the survey.

You throw receipt in trash and open the Cheetos as soon as you get in the car. Bag is gone before you get home. Steering wheel is bright orange. Damn. Now you need more Cheetos.

Wal-Mart, My Slice of Pure Hell on Earth

In my mind, I cannot really picture heaven. I know what I would like for it to be - a place to reunite with friends and family that I have lost - and my dogs. My dogs had better be there! I want it to have an all you can eat buffet (with no weight gain of course, ) huge TV's for watching sports (Rangers winning the World Series) - you get the idea. Beyond that, I really can't imagine heaven.

Hell on the other hand - I've got a high-definition picture in my head. If I end up downstairs at the end of this crazy life I am going to be dropped into my neighborhood Wal-Mart and I will never be allowed to leave. I will be pushing a cart with a bad wheel that only wants to turn right and it will make horrible screeching noises as I push it. And, I will be pushing it for ETERNITY. I can imagine my days cut into mini slices of hell with different Wal-Mart problems. For example, asking someone for help. In heaven I'm sure they would be ever so helpful. Wait, in heaven I won't be a Wal-Mart shopper so we can skip that hellish scenario. But in hell, asking for help? Actually, I don't imagine it would be any different than asking for help at Wal-Mart now.

This is a honest accounting of one of my many Wal-Mart (HOE - hell on earth experiences) with maybe a few embellishments here and there.

Checking out at register - I have a lot of produce. I don't realize until I have a load of stuff on the conveyor belt that the cashier is new - so new that she still has a trainer with her. At this point, loading my stuff back in the cart quickly would seem rude so I soldier on.

The trainer: Oh girl, you've got lots of produce. She hasn't done produce yet. Gonna show her produce!
Me: Smile, nod my head, ask myself once again why I am at Wal-Mart.
Cashier: No words, complete fear on her face - and I'm pretty sure English is not her first language.

Now, take a minute and think about this. At Wal-Mart you can be your own cashier. If they allow the customers to do this - you've got to think it really isn't that hard to do.

Cashier begins scanning items. Trainer sees one of her boyfriends and begins a very intense conversation with him. She has no idea what the cashier is doing and neither does the cashier. I think to myself, be patient, everyone has to start somewhere, be patient, everyone has to start somewhere...

When I started in the line my bananas were green - they are riper now and one of the avocados is ready to be gaucamole now.  Be patient, everyone is new at some point...everyone has to start somewhere. She now gets to her first item of produce. She doesn't know what it is. She looks at the trainer. Nope - no help there. She looks at the item. She grabs the book that has the pictures of produce. I say, "it's a mango." Or at least that is what I thought I said. By the look on her face I'm not really sure what I said. Frozen dinners are thawing..."It's a mango, if you enter the 4 digit number on the tag that's a bitch to tear off if you get it wet first, it will then ask you how many mangoes I have - you will enter 1. Because, I have one mango. Just that one that you are holding there. It's a mango."

We're on to bananas now. She enters the banana code but then I think tries to tell it how many bananas I have. "No, they do the bananas differently. They are by the pound. Put in the code, then you put it on the scale. The scale is the shiny plate there in front of you. No, just the bananas - we're through with the mango now."

At this point I should get a discount for training a new Wal-Mart employee. Next time I'm in I think I will teach her the art of customer service. Maybe she can spread it to other employees. Maybe it will catch on. Or, maybe hell will freeze over and my cart will be easier to push.

I Don't Always Want a Choice

When I read Patty’s post “It’s Just Too Complicated” I knew immediately that I’d be putting aside the other posts I’ve been working on and write this one. She’s so right about technology – originally it was supposed to make our lives simpler, and the longer we go, the less that’s true. Well, it is convenient to take decent pictures with a phone, I’ll admit, but that might be the only place I’ve seen improvement. 

·         I rarely see my friends; we post and email.

·         I've got multiple email accounts and various devices that all need to be checked and charged on a regular basis, or they die.  

·         Tasks that used to be done by an administrative person at work aren’t – we do them all ourselves.

·         People expect everything to be done immediately because “I sent it to you 3 minutes ago.”

·         I can’t even take a roll of film to the store and be surprised by what comes back.

Anyway, she’s right. And I wanted to start with that, because saying Patty is right always makes her happy.

The thing that drives me nuts is having too much choice. I know this is America, with all its freedoms and options and possibilities, but I honestly do not need that to extend to the toothpaste aisle at Target. If there are going to be a hundred different options for toothpaste, whose job it is to clean and whiten my teeth (and I actually do the work on that, by the way) they need to put in a little kiosk at the end of the aisle where I can put in my preferences, including flavor, color, stripes or no, along with my price limits and what my desired outcome is – no cavities, whiter teeth, plaque control – then save it to my profile. And every time I visit that aisle it could simply recognize me and launch the right product into my cart. THERE’s a good use of technology.

I can handle lots of choices when it comes to my food, because there’s something to work with there. If I don’t want sodium or HFCS, then I can tell which items meet my criteria. But on the toilet paper aisle, what is there to go by? It’s all the same color. If you squeeze packages, they’re a lot alike. They’re packaged with 4, 8, 12, or more rolls. Some of those are “double” rolls. Do I really require such variety?? Am I supposed to decide based on creepy cartoon bears in the ads (sorry, advertising friends)? And try sending your spouse to make THAT kind of decision. It’s a guaranteed phone call from aisle 12.

We recently got a dog. It had been several years since our last one, and visiting the dog food aisle – and the pet store, for that matter – was almost too much to bear. I mean, you can’t even ask the dog if she prefers liver, chicken, or beef stew…so why have so many options?

Because shopping for consumables can be so exhausting, I have gladly welcomed In-N-Out Burger to my list of favorite places. I’m not big on fast food, especially going someplace I’m not familiar with, because the menus are bigger than my car and can be completely overwhelming. No wonder the order is wrong so often! If you drive up to In-N-Out, you can have a hamburger, a slight variation called a cheeseburger, or one of those with double meat/cheese. That’s it. Top it like you want, of course, add fries or a drink, and you’re rolling up to the window. They call these items what they are. And they’re made right in the window where you can watch while in the covered, shady drive-through. It’s beautiful in its simplicity.

When it comes to political candidates, beer and shoes, give me choices. But for toiletries and other household necessities, I’d love to see the In-N-Out approach. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to walk three miles in a big box to find everything I need.