Side Effects

I take quite a few medicines, but I refuse to read the side effects, I know the power of suggestion is great, so I ignore them. It has been increasingly difficult to do so because they have commercials that list every possible side effect, like, diarrhea (does anyone actually know how to spell this word?) constipation (I REALLY feel like I need to poop but then I'm afraid I'll get there, and nothing will happen.) Death, always death, dizziness, fatigue, joint pain (that's what I'm taking it for!), blurred vision, diplopia, drowsiness, headache, tremor, rapid weight gain (of course), abnormality in thinking (that explains a LOT,) confusion (ditto), speech disturbance, vertigo, xerostomia, increased appetite (can't catch a break), twitching - look at my eye twitch, and farting. Well, maybe it says passing gas, whatever. 

Paul heard these side effects one day and said why in the world would anyone take something like that?

Uhm, I do, but I've never known all the side effects before, can you go get the thermometer, I don't feel well. I would go get it but I've got a headache, my vision is blurred, I can't really focus, and can you make me a sandwich, I'm starving. 

No, I'm not doing any of that, you heard those side effects, and now you have them. It's all in your head.

No, it isn't. How would you know, have you ever had diplopia before? 

Yes, it certainly is and no, I've never had diplopia, and neither have you. You don't even know what it means.

It means you're allergic to dip. 

You love dip.

I know, that's what makes it so tragic.

Earlier, before this stupid commercial did you say you needed help with something?

Oh yeah, can you help me download some pictures? I tried to figure it out, but something is zipped up.

You don't know what that is?

I can't believe you asked me that! We've been together 30 years, and you're still asking stupid questions, Whoever said there's no such thing as a stupid question was an idiot.

I can't believe I asked it either. OK, let me show you how to unzip the file then you can download the pictures. 

Paul unzips the file. 

Do you know how to download the pictures?

Yes, I do know how to do that.

OK, I'm going back to read my book, it's terrific.

I download pictures.

Where the hell did they go? I better try it again. Where are they? Maybe I'll try the EPCOT file instead. Where did they go? OK, Animal Kingdom will work, nope, Hollywood Studios? Hmmm. Let me start over with the Magic Kingdom again. OK, it's not working.

Paul, can you come here, please?

You didn't know how to download them, did you?

I did know how to download them, I didn't know how to find them once I did. I don't think the pictures are there.

Where?

I don't know where that's why I called you.

OK, let me explain it to you.

Paul explaining...

Random thoughts going through my mind...

I wonder if Ethel Merman had any other hits besides that Roses song? When he's through gibber jabbering maybe I'll Google it. Ethel, that's such a horrible name. Oooh, almost forgot to nod and say uh huh. Kids these days have no idea how good they've got it. We had to look everything up in an encyclopedia. Computers are amazing when I first started working on a computer we had to worry about baud rates. I wonder what a baud is, I'll Google it later. I need to get cat food. Nod, say uh huh. Dear Lord, he's still going. I bet he's telling me about the computer he worked on in college that was as tall as the Empire State Building, took up 3 blocks, and needed some sort of cards. I've heard that one a million times. 

Are you even listening?

What? Oh yeah, I sure am.

What was the last thing I said?

Listening.

Heavy sigh. Well, you had a really far off look like you weren't paying attention.

No, I'm really interested in whatever it is you're talking about. I guess I got distracted by the way your beautiful eyes light up when you're excited about a topic.

OK, as long as you're listening I'll carry on. 

Whew, that was a close one! Gosh, this man can talk. I wonder how much mall Santa's make. I'll Google that later too. He's taking longer to explain this than I did taking the pictures. Maybe I'll take guitar lessons. How did Cinderella's shoe fall off? It fit when she put it on, feet swell during the day, especially after dancing, so they should have been too tight. Oh crap. He might have said something important. What did he say? Crap. I think he said, something about saving as and renaming. What am I renaming? The file I guess, I'm sure you don't have to change the name of every picture, that would be stupid. So, what do I do? If I show my confused face will he start all over at the beginning or will he just get to the stuff that I need to know? Hmm. Probably shouldn't risk it. I'll pretend like I know what I'm doing.

Two hours later...

Paul, can you come in here, please?

You've been in here a long time, you must be about finished.

Well, about that...

You didn't listen to a thing I said, did you?

It's possible I missed a couple of things. I really wanted to pay attention, but I have xerostomia.

You don't even...nevermind.