Not everybody like shantung

When Katy was living at home we would have a fight on her birthday. Every single year. So, if we fought on her birthday, then planning for the biggest party in her life might result in a few tiffs, maybe something like this.

Mom, we need to talk about your dress.

What dress?

THE dress that you will wear to the wedding. You know you have to wear a dress, right?

Oh, that dress, of course I know I have to wear a dress.

I think you should consider shantung.

I don't think that's a good idea. I don't know how to wrap those and I don't want it to fall off when I'm bustin' a move on the dance floor!

Mom, that's a sarong, I'm talking about shantung and you will NOT be bustin' a move.

Why can't I bust a move? DJ will be playing some Chaka Khan, Gladys, Aretha, Stevie, Elvis,

Let me interrupt you here, the DJ will not be playing any of those artists.

I'd get another DJ then.

No, I'm choosing the songs, there won't be any songs from any of the artists you mentioned.

I wouldn't tell your guests that, they might not come to the wedding. I guess you could opt to warn them and they can make their own decision. On the invitation you could tell them to leave their dance shoes at home.

Mom, I will have fun music, apparently not what YOU think is fun.

I hope the food is good for everybody standing around not dancing. Too bad Lawrence Welk is dead, and a onea and a twoa...

You can't dance anyway.

What do you mean I can't dance? I'm Ginger Rogers on Red Bull, Beyonce will want me as her choreographer when she sees my moves. Besides, you've never seen me dance.

Yes, I saw you dance at the Gladys Knight concert. You dance like that and people will call 911 thinking you're having a seizure.

That wasn't a good representation of my mad skills. I didn't really have enough space to let loose. Maybe I'll suggest a couple of tunes for the DJ.

No, you are NOT to talk to the DJ. Promise me that you won't talk to the DJ.

I promise.

Mom, do you have your fingers crossed behind your back?

No.

Let me see.

No.

Good grief, most people plan their wedding with an adult, I'm planning mine with a 3-year-old.

You cut me deep Katy. You cut me real deep just now.

Mom, this is not an appropriate time to go Shrek on me.

Honey, anytime is Shrek time.

Argggh. Back to the shantung, it's a fabric, not a dress.

It sounds itchy.

It doesn't sound itchy.

It does, and it sounds ugly too. Here comes the bride's mother wearing a pig turd green shantung and it looks like she's broken out in a terrible rash. That won't do. I can't come in like a boss, rocking the aisle if I'm scratching myself. Not everybody like shangtung. You know what everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever

Me in my pig turd green shantung - it needs some ruching.

You are NOT coming in like a boss and you will NOT BE ROCKING and STOP QUOTING FROM SHREK!

I've been thinking of my entrance songs. "Brick House" "Bad" or how about some "RESPECT" up in here - I could really glide down the aisle to any of those songs! Parfaits are delicious.

NO! You don't really even get a song. Music will be playing.

Uh, that's not a song?

Let's get back to the dress.

The itchy one?

Yes.

I told you it was itchy.

You need to consider ruching.

First of all, you said that wrong, and secondly, I don't think we should rush. Remember I said I needed to lose 30 pounds before the wedding? I only have 40 to go. I don't want to buy anything now for when I lose all the weight.

Mom, I didn't say rushing, I said ruching. Ruching means to gather.

Then why the hell didn't you say an itchy dress with gathers? Since your time in France you've been uppity about fashion. I bet ruching is some stupid French term isn't it?

Its origins may be in France.

I just know, before this is over, I'm going to need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'

MOM, STOP QUOTING SHREK!!!

I think I need a hug.

On Being a Girl or You Want Me to do What?

Conversation with my daughter

Me: Uh, I need to talk to you about something that is rather personal.

D: Ok.

Me: At some unexpected and extremely inconvenient time you are going to start bleeding down south.

D: What?

Me: You know, down there – you’re going to bleed.

D: Where?

Me: In the ya-ya, the whoo-hoo, the yahoo. You know – your vagina (whispered that part.)

D: Why?

Me: Well, because your body has to get rid of some stuff it doesn’t need, it’s like pooping but more painful, unless you have hemorrhoids but that’s for another time.

D: What is it getting rid of?

Me: Stuff you don’t need like eggs or something.

D: Eggs or something?

Me: Yeah, I think. I don’t know I never really got that far in the book. Ask your dad.

D: You want me to ask Dad about what is in the blood that is going to be coming out of my vagina even though he’s never experienced this personally and you have?

Me: Yeah, he’s smarter than me and probably read the book, might have even written it. I’m going to give you the book so you can read about it yourself.

Then, uhm, when the bleeding starts – oh wait let me back up. You might have some really bad pain in your stomach – I’m talking like double you over pain, your boobs might start hurting, you might get a tad moody, and you might notice that your stomach is a little bit bigger than it was the day before.

D: You’re making this up.

Me: I wish.

D: No, hold up. Why does this happen? If I don’t need the “stuff” why does it have to happen?

M: Well, because when you are older, much older I hope you will need the stuff.

D: What for?

M: Babies. The eggs can turn into babies.

D: Oh my God, did you just tell me I will be bleeding babies?

M: Whoa, that escalated quickly. No, goodness no, the eggs have to go through a special process before they turn into babies (incidentally, that’s also where the babies come out after they're fully processed.) For now, just think of it as blood gushing out of your vagaga.  

D: Wait, I’m 11, you had me when you were really old, like 29. So are you saying for 18 years I do this for no good reason? And how many names do you have for this thing?

M: Well, yeah, give or take a few years on either side and too many to count.

OK, so back to when the bleeding starts.

D: The part where stuff you don’t know about comes gushing out of my body in the form of blood.

Me: Well yeah. Well said. You know you are going to need a way to stop the flow of the blood from getting all over your clothes and you have a couple of choices. This is one – it’s called a pad – look it has wings! When I was your age they looked like neck braces and they didn’t have these handy little wings! You will remove the sticky tape (when I first started they didn’t have sticky tape and sometimes when you walked you felt the neck brace traveling) and place it firmly on your underwear and then wrap the wings around your underwear. Just a tip, if you are going to ride a water ride at an amusement park – don’t wear one of these.

D: OK. I can’t wait to hear about my other choice.

Me: Uhm. Well, this is a tampon. You’ve probably seen the commercials where the happy girls are jumping gleefully into the swimming pool. You will unwrap this, and put this piece of cardboard up you’re hoo-ha, remove the cardboard (that’s an important step, I can vouch for that), and make sure the string is hanging down so when it is at its grossest you can pull it out easily from down there. There are handy illustrations inside the box.

D: You want me to do what?

M: Oh and you know that silly rule about not wearing white after Labor Day? Don’t wear white…ever.

D: Back up, I’m still on the part about sticking cardboard down there.

M: Well you take it out, it’s not like it’s going to stay there.

D: Cardboard?

M: Oh, I just looked at the box, now it’s just plastic – no more cardboard! I would think you might need to remove the plastic.

D: Ya think? You want me to run ask Dad about that real quick?

M: It might not be a bad idea. Well, glad we could have this little chat! Let me know if you have any questions!

D: Daughter mumbling – unless it’s for another synonym for vagina I doubt I will have any questions.