Mammary all alone in the moonlight...from Cats the musical - kind of

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the mammary
Of my boob in the press
If you touch me
You'll understand what misery is 

Look
A new pain has begun

Since it is Breast Cancer Awareness month I thought I would follow Beth's boob babble to encourage everyone to get their mammogram. If I did this right this link should take you to her post if you haven't read it yet. http://realfriendsrealfoodreallife.blogspot.com/2013/10/its-october.html

THE MAMMOGRAM

Ah, the mammogram...nothing quite like it. I remember women telling me that it hurt... a lot. Eh, pain and I are very intimate - I can handle it. Really, how bad can it be?

So, I get there and change into the lovely hospital gown. Why you wear a gown is beyond me. I guess they think it preserves some of your modesty. No. Not really because in mere moments your gown will be most of the way off and your boob will be served up on a platter.

The technician physically takes your boob and ever so gently places it on the press. Then she adjusts the boob on the press until she's satisfied that it is in the right place. Then she hits the crank. Your boob is now in a vice. Here's how the conversation goes from there:

Tech: OK, you are going to feel some discomfort.

Me: I'm already feeling discomfort so I think we're good.

Tech now working the crank again.

Me in my head (MIMH): Oh my gawd, Oh my gawd, Oh my gawd,Oh my gawd!

Tech: OK, almost there, a few more cranks should do it.

MIMH: A few more cranks and you will have my lung in the press.

Tech: OK, I'm going to take the image now. I need you to hold your breath and don't move.

MIMH: If I moved which clearly I can't do, my boob will tear off.

A side note: In medieval times they had an instrument of torture called the breast ripper. I believe the device used today for mammograms was based on this instrument. Look it up, I'm sure I'm almost right about that.

Tech takes the image and then magically releases the press.

I cannot describe the sheer bliss that overcomes you when she releases that press. But then it hits you, "Oh my gawd I have 2 boobs!"

Tech: OK, we need to get another angle.

Me: We what?

Tech: Yes, we need another image but from a different angle.

MIMH: Of course we do.

Tech has you go through several contortions and then gently places boob on the ripper, I mean plate. Why she is being gentle, I don't know.

Tech: You will feel some discomfort.

MIMH: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Discomfort: an inconvenience, distress, or mild pain. She is definitely not using the proper word. Inconceivable!

Tech cranks, and cranks, and cranks, and cranks. Breathing becomes difficult. Tech takes image.

MIMH: "Oh my gawd I have 2 boobs!"

Me: You know, my boobs are practically similar - I think just the one should be sufficient.

Apparently not.

Tech: OK, let me just look at these images to make sure they turned out right and then you can go.

Me; What? They might not have turned out? Should I have smiled? Please, please, please tell me they are OK.

Tech: We're good! See you next year!

So, the moral of the story: Mammograms are a bitch but breast cancer is worse. Git 'er done! Or should I say, "Git 'em done!"

It's October...

“I always notice boobs.”  This is what I heard my mom say when I entered the room where she and Sarah were talking and looking at pictures on the computer.  

Weird.

Mom apparently looks at everyone’s boobs.  I confess...I am like my mother.

I don’t try to look at boobs.  They’re just always there.  Maybe it’s because I’m short.  Pretty much boob level for average height women.

Really, how do you not notice boobs?  Working as a grocery cashier, they’re everywhere.  Scanning groceries for a female customer, one glance up…BOOM..there they are!  They hang over the counter.  Women are pulling their wallets, phones and keys from their bras.  With the clothes so many wear now the ta-tas are on display for all to see.  We make fun of plumbers who let their ‘cleavage’ show, but women can let it all hang out all the time.  Ladies, let’s be honest…there are some puppies out there that really need to be, at least partially, covered!  Oh, my goodness, the cups that overflow!

Speaking of…bras.  Yuck!  The first thing I do when I’m home for the evening is yank off the bra, letting the girls go free.  What a wonderful time of day!  There are almost as many bra types as there are names for our boobies.  Demi bras, push-ups, t-shirt bras, sports bras, barely there bras, and the “this is the shape I wish my boobs were and you will never be able to touch them” bras. 

When I was a teenager I worked around warehousemen who were 17-25 years old.  I thought I’d heard every word for boobs there was.  Then I got married and my husband taught me many, many more.  Well…I had no idea until I did a quick search for this article how many synonyms there are for boobs.  Some are not print worthy.

Assets, Balloons,  Bahamma Mammas,  Bazookas, Bazooms, Beamers, Blinkers, Boulders, Bust

Ahh…glorious, magical boobs.  They can make guys (and many chicks) do whatever the bearer of them wishes.  Bosoms bring great power to those who possess them.  How many of you can honestly say that you have never used them to get something you want?

Cans, Cannons, Cones, Doorknobs, Floppers, Gazonkas, Gadoinkas, Hooters, Honkers, Jugs, Knockers

Women are the classier of the species.  I’m sure we can all agree on that.  We tend to refer to our boobs as something nice like “the girls.”  We may have chi-chis, twins or ta-tas.  If we’re lucky, we have bodacious ta-tas. 

Men like boobs.  Two of their other favorite things are food and cars.  Therefore we have boobs that are called melons, lady apples, cupcakes, marshmallows, mounds, and whoppers. There are also Cadillac bumpers, headlights, high beams, beamers, blinkers, and winnebagoes.

My chi-chis have gone through many stages in my life.  First, I had the perky ‘look at me. I defy gravity’ bust line.  Then they were great, as long as I held my hands high above my head.  Alas, now I need the heavy lifter bras to put them back where they were originally.  I guess later I’ll be able to just roll them up and place them in a bra that is the shape I desire.

Mountains, Perkies, Pillows, Pair, Rack, Rolling Hills, Torpedoes, Towel Rack

Boobs are as diverse as the women who have them.  There are small ones that forced us to form “itty bitty tittie committees.”  Then there are the jumbo sized breasts.  They would charge triple for these at KFC!  I’d much rather be a member of the IBTC than to have people exclaim, “My. What big knockers you have!”  Maybe that’s just how I want to feel about my little darlins’.

My point, point point is…it’s October.  We all know that breast cancer awareness is crucial.  So, perk up your pumpkins!  Get your mammogram and keep those girls healthy!