A few random point point point(s) I want to make!

I woke up this morning with bite marks on my ankles, no you sickos Paul didn't make them and they weren't bug bites, they were actual bite marks. Princess Willa has a KING size bed and if you happen to move your foot in front of her teeth she will bite you. It's not pleasant.

That look says it all.

I have a necklace that is my late mother-in-law's fingerprint that I wear daily, even if I'm not leaving the house. I used to leave it on the dresser at night but the aforementioned cat would steal it. I do love the word aforementioned - I don't use it enough and I also love the word capricious. I rarely use it - instead I use the more common synonym - shit head. Speaking of words I love - one of my favorites is "point." Yes, point. If you are on a computer keyboard (not your phone or tablet) type the word point and see if it's not the most fun you will have while typing! Anyway, now I leave it in Paul's cuff link box because so far she hasn't figured out how to open that to steal jewelry. Yes, she's a cat and she steals, she's a cat burglar.  This morning the box was gone and I went in to full on panic mode. Of course, I knew that it was here, but there was a tiny amount of fear until I found it. You can see the necklace in the ridiculous pictures below. 

That faraway look that says, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing."

This is the necklace.

I have no idea how to take selfies. I mean I understand how to work the camera but I don't know where to look. Thus we play the count the chins and what is she looking at game.  Do y'all remember when I was stick figure skinny and I could eat anything I wanted and never gain weight? I miss those days so much.

I went to the doctor today and girls, I know you know what I'm talking about! I get up and I've got 45 minutes until my appointment and I need to pee. What to do? You never know if they will need a urine sample. Should I go ahead and pee, drink a lot of water on the way and hope I can go if they need it, or do I wait? If I wait what if I'm in an accident? Or worse, what if I cough or sneeze? Such a dilemma. 

When Katy was around 4 the doctor needed a urine sample. I took her to the bathroom and told her she needed to pee in the cup. Oh my. She started crying and saying (loudly), "cups aren't for peeing, they're for drinking!" She had a point point point - (that never gets old!) Needless to say, no urine sample was obtained and when I went to tell the nurse that we failed she said, "I know, I heard!"

I almost had a wreck today because a lady waved at me when I let her merge in front of me, the gesture was so shocking I almost ran off the road. Later, I was next to someone that honked the second the light turned green because the people in front of him didn't immediately hit the gas and go. As God as my witness do that to me and you've got a good 5-10 seconds before I think about moving my foot from the brake to the accelerator and those seconds are going to feel like a lifetime when you're an asshole. If you can't wait even a second before you lay on that horn then you need to leave earlier or stay home. You should probably have your blood pressure checked before you stroke out while driving. You're a menace. You're a capricious, aforementioned, jackass. I believe I've made my point point point.

The Case Against Mother Nature

Mother Nature does not exist and I have proof. Even as exceedingly awful as women can be to each other there is no way another woman could be as cruel as that of this mythical Mother Nature. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.

Oh sure, laugh all you want you bitch.

From our early teens we bleed monthly. Many times never knowing when or where IT might strike. Remember those times when you could just go swimming and not worry about anything? Then, all of a sudden you get invited to a swim party and you sit on the side of the pool without getting in while boys in their innocence ask why you aren't swimming. You snap at them to mind their business because you now have mood swings and bloating. How about those visits to the school nurse? How about having to ask your male teachers if you can be excused? Fun times. Nope, there can't be a Mother Nature but I believe there might be a Mommy Dearest.

Years and years of bleeding monthly and then miraculously it stops! Ah, the sweet relief! You can go swimming all you want - except for now you don't look quite as cute in your bathing suit (unless it's brown but I digress.) Oh, but you aren't really off the hook yet - Mommy Dearest has more in store for you!

MENOPAUSE. OH MY GOOD GRACIOUS. GIVE ME THE BLEEDING BACK! HOT FLASHES. NIGHT SWEATS. YOU JUST THOUGHT YOU HAD MOOD SWINGS. WHY AM I YELLING? HOT FLASHES AND MOOD SWINGS - THAT'S WHY YOU MISERABLE,  HALITOSIS-INFESTED HEATHEN.

Menopause. One minute you are looking at a blade of grass and crying at the beauty of it and the next minute you're wondering if you can make a weapon out of it. Hot flashes. Can't even describe them - you have to experience them to know the suffering they cause. For example, right now I look like I just ran a 5K in August in TEXAS. I thought I was through with this crap. That's how Mommy Dearest does it. She tricks you into believing it's all over. You don't need no stinking hormones! Get off those meds. Then you might go months maybe years without any problems then - BAM! SHE'S BACK! And when she comes back she makes up for lost time. You can sit under a ceiling fan and have 2 other fans pointed directly at you and it won't matter you will still be sitting in a malodorous marinade of sweat. Take an ice cold shower. Sure, that works until you have to turn the water off and get out. Maybe a good nights sleep will help. Forget it. NIGHT SWEATS.

No, Mother Nature belongs in the same category as the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. Mommy Dearest exists and boy do I have a score to settle with her. Where's that blade of grass spear I made?

Mammary all alone in the moonlight...from Cats the musical - kind of

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the mammary
Of my boob in the press
If you touch me
You'll understand what misery is 

Look
A new pain has begun

Since it is Breast Cancer Awareness month I thought I would follow Beth's boob babble to encourage everyone to get their mammogram. If I did this right this link should take you to her post if you haven't read it yet. http://realfriendsrealfoodreallife.blogspot.com/2013/10/its-october.html

THE MAMMOGRAM

Ah, the mammogram...nothing quite like it. I remember women telling me that it hurt... a lot. Eh, pain and I are very intimate - I can handle it. Really, how bad can it be?

So, I get there and change into the lovely hospital gown. Why you wear a gown is beyond me. I guess they think it preserves some of your modesty. No. Not really because in mere moments your gown will be most of the way off and your boob will be served up on a platter.

The technician physically takes your boob and ever so gently places it on the press. Then she adjusts the boob on the press until she's satisfied that it is in the right place. Then she hits the crank. Your boob is now in a vice. Here's how the conversation goes from there:

Tech: OK, you are going to feel some discomfort.

Me: I'm already feeling discomfort so I think we're good.

Tech now working the crank again.

Me in my head (MIMH): Oh my gawd, Oh my gawd, Oh my gawd,Oh my gawd!

Tech: OK, almost there, a few more cranks should do it.

MIMH: A few more cranks and you will have my lung in the press.

Tech: OK, I'm going to take the image now. I need you to hold your breath and don't move.

MIMH: If I moved which clearly I can't do, my boob will tear off.

A side note: In medieval times they had an instrument of torture called the breast ripper. I believe the device used today for mammograms was based on this instrument. Look it up, I'm sure I'm almost right about that.

Tech takes the image and then magically releases the press.

I cannot describe the sheer bliss that overcomes you when she releases that press. But then it hits you, "Oh my gawd I have 2 boobs!"

Tech: OK, we need to get another angle.

Me: We what?

Tech: Yes, we need another image but from a different angle.

MIMH: Of course we do.

Tech has you go through several contortions and then gently places boob on the ripper, I mean plate. Why she is being gentle, I don't know.

Tech: You will feel some discomfort.

MIMH: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Discomfort: an inconvenience, distress, or mild pain. She is definitely not using the proper word. Inconceivable!

Tech cranks, and cranks, and cranks, and cranks. Breathing becomes difficult. Tech takes image.

MIMH: "Oh my gawd I have 2 boobs!"

Me: You know, my boobs are practically similar - I think just the one should be sufficient.

Apparently not.

Tech: OK, let me just look at these images to make sure they turned out right and then you can go.

Me; What? They might not have turned out? Should I have smiled? Please, please, please tell me they are OK.

Tech: We're good! See you next year!

So, the moral of the story: Mammograms are a bitch but breast cancer is worse. Git 'er done! Or should I say, "Git 'em done!"