When the baby in your life already has everything they need...

Have you ever been to Toys R Us 2 weeks before Christmas? I have and it sucks. It had me wanting to run as fast as I could to Walmart. However, I didn't run. I don't know what held me there. I just kept walking the aisles looking for inspiration.

People, we do not live in simple times. A bicycle, board game, and some little stuff in your stocking just don't cut it anymore. Imagine someday telling your grandchildren that the toys you played with didn't talk. How in the world we ever learned anything as infants and toddlers without toys talking to us I will never know. Even with all this crap we are still one of the dumbest nations in the world.

Check this out:

CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad

• Comfortable and child-friendly potty with activity stand for iPad (2nd, 3rd, and 4th generation)
• Adjustable stand securely holds and helps protect iPad while kids play
• Easy to clean with removable inner potty bowl, potty seat and splashguard
• Clear touchscreen protector guards against smudges and messy hands
• 360° Rotating stand easily switches between horizontal and vertical views

Yeah, they went there.

Did you notice the part where the touchscreen protector guards against smudges and messy hands? Smudges? Really? Those smudges wouldn't happen to be brown would they? It has a splashguard too. I tried to upload a picture of this thing but I'm too technically challenged to do so. I'm sure it is because I had to use my imagination when playing instead of having it electronically transmitted to my brain while taking a dump.

Or this:

Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Apptivity Case: iPad Edition

• Let baby be in control of the electronic while still protecting your device
• Place the device into the case, twist the locks, then your device is protected
• Offers three ways to play: roly-poly based, easel, or place
• Compatible with iPad 1 or iPad 2
• Ships in Certified Frustration-Free Packaging
• Download free Fisher-Price apps from iTunes

Uhm. Did that first line say let baby be in control of the electronic? I think there is a typo in the description because I don't understand the three ways to play. The good news is that it ships in a frustration-free package so your baby can open it right away and watch some porn on youtube. 

Don't know about you but we need another remote in our house. With the Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn remote fun responses help baby learn cause and effect. If i push this button it turns off Mommy's baseball game and she screams. Is that the kind of cause and effect they are looking to achieve? Like a real remote control inspiring early role play. (Hey honey, have you seen the remote? While you're up be a darlin' and fetch me a beer?) Is that the role play we want because I'm not really thinking up many role playing games a baby can play with a remote.

This is insane. But, back to Toys R Us. As you are walking down the aisles stuff just starts lighting up and talking. Every few feet there is another magic box that lights up and stuff starts moving and talking. Creeps me way out. Suddenly toys coming to life in Andy's room doesn't seem so far-fetched. 

One aisle had a series of interactive electronic toys. One grandmother picked up a toy drum thing and it just starts playing. She looks at me and says, "How do I turn the thing off?" Of course I had no idea short of pulling the batteries out and throwing it across the store which quickly became an option I was considering. She was thankful that this toy was not for her house. Gosh lady, who do you hate that much?

Then I picked up this cute little bugger and innocently pushed the light up driver button:

• Electronic play vehicle responds to SmartPoint? locations on Go! Go! Smart Wheels playsets (sold separately)
• Light-up driver button activates learning, music and sounds
• Perfectly sized for little hands
• Teaches the letter "F" and vehicle name while encouraging pretend play
• 9 Playful melodies and sing-along songs keep children engaged

Two things you need to notice here:

1.  Electronic play vehicle responds to SmartPoint locations on Go! Go! Smart Wheels playsets.
2. Teaches the letter "F" (Oh, I think I will have that one covered.)

As for the first item, the vehicle responds to the SmartPoint locations. Let me translate that for you. If you innocently push the little light up driver button utter chaos ensues. These damn things talk to each other! I'm standing in an aisle of these vehicles and play sets. I feel like I'm experiencing the Apocalypse. It finally quiets down and I see one man reach for the ambulance and I launch myself at him to slap the car out of his hands. He had no idea. He was innocent, uninformed, but I saved us all. Oh, and don't get me started on the toy microphone. I barely brushed past it and it started loudly playing some crappy song. Fortunately it was far enough from the drum set so that didn't start up again. I'm wondering when pets are making their nightly patrols of the house does it set these toys off? Heart attack waiting to happen.

I actually didn't buy anything at Toys R Us. While standing in one of the aisles I pulled my smartphone out and got on amazon.com. I scanned the barcode of one of the toys that didn't talk (yes, I did find some) and found it cheaper on amazon and ordered it right then and there! I may not have had a training potty with an ipad but I can pull out some tech savvy when it means saving my sanity. Not that there is much left of it to save after today's trip.