Fa La La La La, part 1

I can’t help it.

This has been going on for years.

There is apparently not a cure.

I’m hopelessly attracted to holiday music. Not just singles, but entire albums. This isn’t new – I started with LPs (which I still have) and progressed to 8-track tapes and cassettes (no longer in the collection) and have countless CDs which have been picked up over the years. I'm going to guess I've amassed nearly 100 albums in all, but has that stopped me? No...every year I scour the holiday rack at Half Price Books and search new releases online. If I end up in a Virgin Record store (do those even still exist?) just go get coffee -- I’ll be awhile.

Rosemary Clooney. Johnny Mathis. Ella Fitzgerald. Percy Faith. Hampton String Quartet. Judy Garland. Frank Sinatra. The Carpenters. The Vocal Majority. Andy Williams. Steve Tyrell. Barry Manilow. The Chipmunks. Brian Setzer. Paul Anka. Mannheim Steamroller. Louis Armstrong. Dean Martin. Mel Torme. Elvis Presley. Glenn Miller. Harry Connick Jr. I've even got Christmas with the Rat Pack. (If any of those names sent you to Google, well, you're a lot younger than I am.) Everyone has recorded a Christmas album!

Never mind that, for the most part, there are like 14 songs that get re-recorded over and over and over on Christmas albums. And disregard the fact that a few of these albums should never have been released because they include ALL of the common 14 songs with unimaginative arrangements. (Back in the old days you just bought albums…there were no previews to listen to or reviews to read first on Amazon – you read the jacket, bought an album and took your chances...and I still do that.)

Of all the albums in my jukebox, a few do stand out as favorites. They’re the ones my husband and I scramble for each year, so they’re in our cars for the season. If you’re looking for some fresh music for your own car, you might consider these:

• Pink Martini – Joy to the World (2010) -– definitely not traditional, but it still sounds Christmassy in a world-traveler multi-cultural kind of way. Plus the CD cover is super-cool.
• Straight No Chaser – Holiday Spirits (2008) -– these guys really have their act together, and by that I mean they’re in perfect 10-part harmony. All their holiday albums are fun, but this one includes their version of “12 Days of Christmas” which is just priceless, and anything but dull and repetitive.
• Bette Midler – Cool Yule (2006) -– top to bottom, I love this one. It’s fun! And one that (for whatever reason) I don’t get tired of. My boys even ask for the record with the “red-haired lady” on the cover.

(skipping a few decades here...)

• Vince Guaraldi Trio - A Charlie Brown Christmas (soundtrack to the television show, 1965) -- a must-have album if you grew up in the era when we scoured the weekly TV schedule delivered in the newspaper to find out when all the holiday specials were playing. Without VHS or DVD copies, we had to stop everything and watch when our favorites were on.
• Steve & Eydie – That Holiday Feeling! (1964) – May your days be perky and bright! I love Steve & Eydie; you just know they’re singing with big smiles on their faces. The music is great but even better is this “personal” message printed on the liner notes. So 60’s!

 

• Bing Crosby – Merry Christmas/White Christmas (1945) – The ultimate classic.  You get more than Bing -- the Andrews Sisters are here too. Mele Kelikimaka is certainly not on every album; beware, it will stick with you for days! And I love this version of Jingle Bells.

So if you’re looking for some new old tunes to get your holiday spirit going, you might give one of these a try. They’re all on Amazon (where the links will take you) but I find great bargains at Half Price Books and online at hbpmarketplace.com all the time. Or maybe your parents or your favorite festive aunt -– you know, the one with the collection of holiday aprons –- has one of these tucked away that you can borrow. Ray Conniff, anyone? That says “get out the eggnog” to me!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I would like to extend a very happy Thanksgiving to each of you! I hope today finds you well and gives you many reasons to be thankful. Today is also (at least for me anyway) a day of remembrance. Remembrance of Thanksgivings gone by and family members that I've shared many a meal with but are no longer with us. Today, I remember my dad. I do that every day but holidays are harder and the pain and loss more pronounced. I am thankful to still have my mom although her health is beginning to falter.

I'm thankful for each of you following and supporting our blog. Three somewhat social media challenged women trying to make a go of it! I think we've done alright so far! Tomorrow I hope to have my Black Friday post up. I've written it in my head. The memory of that day still gives me nightmares!

Counting Blessings

Note: This post was started 11/14 and added to up until Thanksgiving on 11/28.

With everything suddenly trending toward Christmas rather than Thanksgiving, it's easy to look through a very American celebration (and certainly the biggest food holiday of the year) straight to the Next Big Thing. Unless you're a women's magazine or grocery store, November can look like nothing more than a path straight to Black Friday.

With two weeks to go, I've got plenty to be thankful for! I thought I'd share some of my blessings -- an exercise many people undertake this time of year, whether on facebook or email or just in a hand-written journal. Maybe a few of these are your blessings too.

November 14: I'll start out on a light-hearted note. Two of my favorite holiday movie musicals -- both with music by Irving Berlin, both starring Bing Crosby and both featuring the holiday classic "White Christmas" -- include songs about gratitude. In Holiday Inn (b&w, 1942) there's a song for every holiday and for Thanksgiving, it's Plenty to be Thankful For -- the scene is a little lonely, but the song itself is terrific. And of course the other song is from White Christmas (1954) and it may be my very favorite number in the whole film -- Count Your Blessings. Today, I am grateful for these and so many other classic movie musicals that have given me hours of enjoyment. They're a part of my holidays and guaranteed to make me smile and cry -- and hum the soundtrack for days.

November 15: Today I'm thankful for my dust bunnies. They're mine. I take full ownership of them. I'm grateful for them because I wouldn't have them without also having a place to live. While my home is far from perfect (and VERY far from clean much of the time), it houses the most important people in my life and is where we spend our most relaxing time together. Also where we do our Saturday chores, coming up in a few hours!

November 16: I'm grateful for my grandparents, and I miss them all.

• My Grandma Bohl, who I saw maybe once a year if we vacationed in Wisconsin, and who always reminded me to practice the piano, even though it was hundreds of miles away. I do wish I'd listened to her a little more!
• My Grandpa Bohl, who always seemed like a giant to me (he was a tall man!) and who told funny stories, really enjoyed his beer, and lived to be 99 years old. Therefore, I like beer too.
• My Grandpa Ramsey, who I often remember with his transistor radio listening to baseball...and who I think of every time I clean up my garden area with his little whisk broom. He liked to call me "punkin" when I was little.
• And my Granny, who I always think of in church when I hear someone behind me singing loudly, and slightly off-key. She taught me to "make the best of it" and to look for the best in people. She also left me her hand-written recipe cards so I can make special desserts for Easter and Thanksgiving using her recipes.

November 17: Old friends. Or perhaps that should be phrased as "longtime" friends. Some I've had since 2nd grade, some since middle school or high school, and amazingly they've stuck with me all this time. We know each other's best traits, flaws (all minor!) and hot buttons. If we don't talk for a while, that's okay, because we can just pick up again where we were, understanding that life gets in the way of get-togethers but doesn't mess with friends. Sometimes you can even get those old friends to blog with you.

 

November 18: Year-round, but especially at Thanksgiving, I'm grateful to live where there are a number of really great options for food shopping. Beautiful produce is especially important to me, and between the farmers' markets, Central Market, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and Sprouts I can find whatever I'm looking for and be proud to serve it to my family. We can even visit pick-your-own farms or grow our own (although I'll admit our yields are pretty low). The only problem is choosing which store to visit each week...and not going overboard (we can only eat so much, and sometimes it all looks so beautiful).

November 19: Right now I'm thankful for chocolate. That's it. Dark chocolate, to be exact. (Hershey's can keep their milk chocolate -- I won't miss it.) Earlier this week I baked these Brownie Batter Cookies using dark cocoa, and dark chocolate chips. It is a good thing I only baked half of them and froze the rest of the dough...try them if you dare!

November 20: I'm very grateful that someone invented the washing machine and dryer. I might be even more grateful if I wasn't the only person in my house who knows what they are for. :)

November 21: Today, I'm feeling grateful for my job. One I've had for over 25 years (although my tasks have changed, I'm with the same company I joined right after college graduation). My current position allows me to work part-time and maintain what I feel is a healthy balance between work and home. And today is my day off...the day I grocery-shop and get odd stuff done that is so much harder on the weekend. Very, very grateful for Thursdays!

November 22: I'm thankful that, on this 50th anniversary of the Kennedy assassination, there is so much opportunity to learn more about this event and its effect on our country's history. I was only two when this happened, and the president was in MY city just hours before he was killed. Of course I didn't understand what was going on then, and by the time I was in school it wasn't something that was taught either. But with all the coverage and analysis being aired this week, I can better see the context and effects of that day. Horrible, yes...but fascinating too.

November 23: As we traveled to San Antonio today, I became thankful that there wasn't construction on the part of I-35 that we were using. After constantly driving through construction zones in Fort Worth and the Metroplex in general for as long as I can remember, it was a relief and a beautiful sight to drive without seeing orange barrels.

November 24: I'm grateful to have kids who, even though they're getting older, sit close on the couch while we watch a movie. (I do appreciate this more in the winter, but it's still sweet any time.) They may sit close because I'm squishy and comfortable, but I prefer to think they like sitting near Mommy.

November 25: Today I am already appreciating tomorrow's weather...it has been cold and damp (okay, wet) the last few days and tomorrow we will see the sun! A perfect day to visit Sea World and see all the Christmas-y shows and decorations they've prepared for us. Yes, we will need our coats. But there is a snow hill, so we would need those anyway.

November 26: Since the temperature was in the 40's all day with a stiff north wind much of the time (so much for forecasts -- and we were at an amusement park), today I am grateful for fleece. Scarves, gloves and the sweaters under our coats kept us acceptably warm for a full day outside. As a bunch of Texans, we don't get to bundle up very often!

November 27: Grateful for my sweet husband and two smart, active children. There's no one else I'd rather be in a car with for hours and hours...which is a good thing. They accept my Christmas radio station and CDs with little complaint and even spontaneously start the occasional sing-along!
 

November 28: Happy Thanksgiving! I've finished my part of the cooking, and am thankful for a warm, mostly clean kitchen. Soon we'll pack up and head to my parents' house where a beautiful turkey and awesome oyster dressing await. I'm thankful my sister is there to help my mother get it all together, and that they continue to invite us even as the kids get louder and hungrier every year. We're not a big group but sometimes it sounds like it! Family is what this day is all about...and we'll get to do it again on Saturday with Art's family, so the blessings just keep on coming.

Questions...Surveys...I just want to get my crap and leave!

Remember those commercials where people were in a shop and everything was running so smoothly because people were using their debit card and then, OH THE HORROR, someone wrote a check and it made the earth move a little bit off its axis?

Now, when you use your debit card for transactions it's slower than if you write a check. Here's the transaction:

Machine: Debit: Y/N?
Response:Y
Enter Pin:
Pin entered
Machine: Would you like to donate to the starving kids in some country you've never heard of? Y/N
Response: N
Machine: Are you sure? They are children and they are starving. I see that you've bought a case of cokes and some Cheetos. Do you realize how many kids could eat a wholesome meal with the money you just spent on junk food? From the looks of you I don't think you need this junk. Are you still sure you don't want to feed the children? Y/N
Response: Y
Machine: Greedy, selfish bitch. Is the amount $15.74 correct? Y/N?
Response: Y
Machine: As if you could add that all up by yourself anyway. Do you want it all on the card or do you want to pay cash for part of it, or split it between 2 cards because you've run up your credit limit on all your cards buying stuff you don't need while children starve? Y/N?
Response: Y
Machine: Well, I guess that will do for now. Those poor starving children.

People in line behind you are tapping their feet and looking at their watches.

Clerk: Here is your receipt. At the bottom you will find a survey you can complete to tell us how we are doing. Clerk takes pen and circles the survey.

You throw receipt in trash and open the Cheetos as soon as you get in the car. Bag is gone before you get home. Steering wheel is bright orange. Damn. Now you need more Cheetos.

Let's Eat : Cranberry Everything

I love cranberries. And I confess, I eat and serve them year-round, even without turkey. Fortunately, my family loves them too, so when they show up at a meal everyone is happy.

Bags of frozen cranberries lurk in my freezer, hoarded from the fall harvest. When I pull out a bag and make a simple cranberry relish to go with a roasted chicken, there's never even a trace of that relish left.

 

Dried cranberries are always in the pantry. The kids love to eat those alongside goldfish crackers, something that probably got started with little divided snack containers when they were small. Cranberry juice at breakfast, over ice, is just so good. And cranberry bread, muffins, and cookies...I'm making myself hungry.

In honor of this beautiful berry, I offer several of my favorite cranberry recipes. Please don't buy those  cans of cranberry sauce that are on every available endcap in the grocery store -- most brands are loaded with high fructose corn syrup. Since we don't cook with that ingredient at home, I don't want it on my table (or yours) at Thanksgiving or any other time. Fresh cranberries keep well in the fridge -- way better than most other berries -- just pick through them while you rinse to get any squishy or broken ones out.

Last year Central Market had a little cranberry bog set up in the store where you could fish out some of the floating jewels and get just the right amount. It was kind of cool, but once I started wondering whose hands had tested the water...hmmm...I stuck with the bags.  

I heard this first recipe (which originated with Craig Claiborne) on National Public Radio maybe a dozen years ago and I was instantly so intrigued that I had to try it. It was an instant hit and I make it every year (yes, I post it on facebook every year too). The best part? I can make it in the food processor, in advance, in about 10 minutes!

Mama Stamberg's Cranberry Relish

•  2 cups whole raw cranberries, washed
•  1 small onion, roughly chopped
•  3/4 cup sour cream (light is okay)
•  1/2 cup sugar
•  2 tablespoons horseradish from a jar

Grind the raw berries and onion together. (I use my food processor and just pulse until it's all finely chopped. You do NOT want a puree.) Stir in remaining ingredients, or you can pulse it all together in the food processor. Put into a plastic container and freeze.

 

 

 

Voila!

 

Early Thanksgiving morning, move it from freezer to refrigerator compartment to thaw. Break it up with a fork before serving, so that it's still frozen but slushy. The relish will be thick, creamy, and shocking pink. It is also extremely delicious, whether with turkey or roast beef! Makes 1-1/2 pints.

If you're not up for hot pink hot horseradish relish, then it's even easier to make a delicious "regular" cranberry sauce on the stove. This recipe is on the back of the Ocean Spray fresh cranberry bag, and you can jazz it up with a little orange zest if you like.

Homemade Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce

• 1 cup sugar
• 1 cup water
• 1 12-ounce bag of whole cranberries, fresh or frozen

Combine sugar and water in a medium saucepan. Bring to boil; add cranberries and return to boil. Reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Cover and cool completely to room temperature. Store in refrigerator. Makes 2 1/4 cups.

Finally, I want to share the most amazing recipe for Cranberry Chess Pie. This pie is SO good. (I also like this particular blog, Back to the Kitchen -- check it out.) The pie is perfect as is, creamy filling topped with tart berries...beautiful AND delicious. More trouble than the relishes above but so worth it. I think I'll make one in a week or so!

I've seen a million craft projects featuring the cranberry -- you can string them into garlands for the tree, use a hazardous hot-glue gun to create a stunning wreath, fill clear vases with the little beauties and use them to hold fresh flowers in place -- but that's not for me. They're definitely pretty; I just prefer not to decorate with my food!

1. PS -- I haven't seen cranberry preserves in the store, but the closest thing I've found is lingonberry preserves, They're not too sweet, have a beautiful color and remind me just enough of cranberries. I've found them at World Market and IKEA. Yes, IKEA; in the same area where you can buy the meatballs and the chocolate bars. What? They have other stuff besides food?

The Awesome Responsibility of Building a Bear

This is one of those “you just never know” stories…and perhaps something to think about as you decide what Christmas gifts to get for the adorable children in your life.

One year when our nieces were young enough to love stuffed animals, we decided to give them a trip to Build-A-Bear for Christmas. How sweet! What fun! And they enjoyed it – choosing an animal (easy for one, difficult for the other), stuffing it, picking out an outfit and taking it home to be theirs forever. My sister-in-law told me that one of the girls had really, really gotten into Build-A-Bear and after several years of requesting gift cards and more trips there, she had quite a collection of sweet stuffed toys.

All good things come back around (or something like that) and several years later when my boys were about three, that’s exactly what happened. Their aunt, very good at remembering what little kids like, chose the Christmas present “trip to Build-A-Bear.” While a gift card with a promise isn’t very interesting to a toddler, in January when we actually made the trip to the mall with their aunt and older cousins the excitement set in.

There are choices. Lots of them. Trey almost immediately chose a sweet brown dog. Brett, after some deliberation, selected a monkey. They each selected a sound (barking for the dog and ooh-ooh-ooh for the monkey) and proceeded to the stuffing station. Instructed to pick a heart from the bin, they sweetly kissed those before the stuffing began. As you can tell from the pictures, this is very serious work.





The beginning: Every new friend gets a heart and some love!

Partway through the stuffing process, the hearts went in. And when the animals were sufficiently filled, they were swiftly sewn up and presented to the boys. Off to the “bathtub” for cleanup and brushing, and then to the options for clothes. Ultimately, we ended up at the computer stations for registration and NAMING. On the spot, before you really know your new friend, he or she must be named. Lots of ideas were tossed in the ring and tossed back out, but we finally landed on Ginger (full name Gingerbread) and George. A couple of house-boxes and pictures later, the adventure was complete. What an excellent experience!

But this was just the beginning. The trip was such a success that for many birthdays and other occasions afterward, the only request was to return to Build-A-Bear for another friend. And each time, Trey chose quickly and without regret while Brett changed his mind three or four times before deciding. Every time, the naming was the most critical step. Franklin. Brownie. Ruff. Mambo. Coconut. Sugar. Sally Max. Rusty. At DisneyWorld, they even have a Build-A-Dino, which spawned Bob and Tex. There have been adoptions, picked up at consignment sales, like new and apparently unloved by the children who made them, which is unbearably sad. Pudge. Patches. Hedwig. What started out so simply has snowballed into an uncontrollable collection of fur, all with the same pawprint tag and satin heart deep inside their stuffing. There are other stuffed animals too, but those are always the favorites.

Ginger and George are still with us. They have been well-loved and have survived numerous "rides" in the washer and dryer...they've also had a few return visits back to the store for repairs and sound removal (the sound wasn’t conducive to sleeping with the toy, as it was prone to start up whenever someone rolled over). Eventually I had to set up an animal hospital at home in the laundry room, because I was trained well at Six Flags in the art of sewing up plush.

These days we're practically overrun with these stuffed personalities. They've certainly provided a lot of fun and comfort to the boys, and sometimes a sweet child will offer his favorite to me, and tell me to sleep with it (I do). One day, I imagine these toys will be discards, no longer needed or wanted.  But I hope that's not too soon...for now, the kids can be kids and love their stuffed toys if they want to. There’s plenty of time to grow up later.

Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday.

Last weekend my family traveled to Missouri for a wedding. It wasn't just any wedding though. In this wedding my husband Paul performed the service. Paul is not an ordained minister (well, he got one of those online things) but you actually don't have to be an ordained minister in order to perform a wedding service. The marriage was for Paul's first cousin once removed Derek and his beautiful fiance Allison.

Obviously and rightly so the main focus was on the bride as she really was breathtakingly beautiful. But my focus kept straying to my guy Paul. He made it kind of an interactive service by asking anyone that had been married more than 25 years to stand. Many people stood. He then had Derek and Allison look at all of us that were standing so they could see their support system. Support is a critical part of any marriage and it was an especially postive moment to see so many people standing.

He also mentioned that anytime he attends a wedding it reminds him of his own. Which of course got me thinking. My short term memory is bad but my long term memory (at least as far as I know) is pretty good. I remember our wedding day very well. Wait. Let me back up a little bit. Paul and I were engaged 3 months after our first date. Our actual first date is a point of contention with us but approximately 3 months after that date we were engaged. We aren't really romantic people. I think (I know this is horrible that I don't remember for sure) but I think he pulled over into the Valley View Mall parking lot and asked me to marry him. He didn't have a ring, I got to pick my own. Although nobody came out and said it, many people thought we might be moving too fast. But we knew, we really just knew and that's that. We've been married 25 years now so I think by now the doubters have overcome their uncertainties.

My dad. My dear, sweet dad. He had a smile that would light up his whole face. He was absolutely beaming that night. I don't know if it was a smile of unconditional love and unadulterated pride or if it was sheer relief that I had found someone that could live with me. Either way it was magnificent.

When I started down the aisle and saw Paul standing there beaming I knew just how lucky I was. Anyone that knows Paul knows how lucky I was/am! I knew that before me stood a man that would always honor his vows. I'm not a feminist so if you are you might want to stop reading now; I'm also no June Cleaver either. But as we stood there in front of family and friends and exchanged vows I knew that I was safe. I knew that to the very best of his abilities he would protect and provide for me. I knew that he would respect me and consider me as his equal partner. And he has. Marriage is difficult. It is inconceivable to imagine marriage to someone who does not respect and cherish you. Fortunately for me I don't have to imagine it.

Back to that other wedding. As I watched Paul perform this ceremony I was so incredibly proud of him. There are countless times that I am proud of him but I don't tell him often enough. Time for a little bit of mushiness. I don't tell him I love him enough either. I was reminded of both of these things while I enjoyed the ceremony.

And wuv, tru wuv, will follow you foweva...so tweasure your wuv.

My Resume

Last month Beth had a post about her job search (http://realfriendsrealfoodreallife.blogspot.com/2013/10/job-search-2013.html) and it got me thinking about what my resume would look like.

If you are young - make sure you keep up with where you work, what you did, and when you did it. I personally don't work right now. I'm a housewife, domestic director, stay at home mom, home manager, etc...I totally suck at it. If I worked for a company they would have fired me by now and changed the locks on the doors. I last worked in about 2004 - I'm not exactly sure. It might have been 2007. Give or take a few years. This lapse in memory doesn't make a great resume. I worked at my very first job (Six Flags Over Texas) off and on for 13 years. Then I dabbled in banking (teller & new accounts), then at a software company that works with car and truck dealerships. My last job I also worked with car and truck dealerships. At that last job the great part of it was that everyone in my department was male. What's so great about that you ask? Typical conversation:

Man: Damn, you look like you slept in your clothes.
Me: Yeah, I know. My clothes were in the dryer and since I already dried them 5 times I just said to hell with it and grabbed whatever came out first. (I often run the dryer several times because I don't pull the clothes out right away.)
Man: Yeah, I've done that before.
Case closed.

When working with women - same scenario - I'm just making up names here:
Jen: Did you see what Patty is wearing today?
Jan: Oh my gosh yes. What do you think happened?
Jen: (jokingly)Oh, she probably messed around on her way to work today.
Jen: Oh really...

Jen: Have you heard about Patty?
Kat: No, but I saw what she was wearing today. What's up with that?
Jen: Well, don't tell anybody else but I heard she might be having an affair.
Kat: Seriously? Do you know who it's with?
Jen: No, haven't heard yet.

Kat: Did you hear the news about Patty?
Jill: No, but she looks terrible today - looks like she just pulled the first thing she found out of the dryer.
Kat: Well, don't tell anyone but she's having an affair and Paul kicked her out of the house. She had to sleep outside.
Jill: That is terrible. You just never know about people.

Jill to me: Oh Patty, I'm so sorry to hear about you and Paul.
Me: What?
Jill: You know, about your divorce. At least the weather was good last night.
Me: WTH?

Anyway on with the resume. I absolutely don't remember the dates of when I worked. There isn't a blank for 90's. Or 2000'ish. I have some weird times on my work history. At the first software company I worked for after I had my daughter Katy I only worked 1 week out of the month teaching classes. My dad kept Katy for me during that week. Then, when Katy went to preschool I went back to work full time. Then I had Amelia. They let me work from home which was great when she was a baby. Then she could walk. Not so easy.

Me on phone with client:
Yes, let me just
Amelia: Mom, I'm stuck.
Me: Sir, can you hold for me just a minute?
Me to Amelia: Stuck on what?
Amelia: The wall.
Me: What?
Amelia: I'm stuck on the wall.

She actually climbed the wall. I can't describe it, but she did it. I pulled her down and told her not to climb up the wall anymore.

Me: Sir, thank you for waiting. Now, what we can
Amelia: Mom, I'm stuck again.
Me: Sir I'm really sorry but I need to put you on hold again.
Me to Amelia: What now?
Me as I'm pulling her down from the dresser: Don't climb on ANYTHING. Go play with your toys or something but do not climb. I want your feet always on the floor. Got it?
Amelia: Got it.
Me: Sir, once again I'm sorry..
Amelia: Mom, I had an assident (she couldn't say accident.)
Me: Sir, can I just call you right back?
Me to Amelia: What do you mean you had an accident?
Amelia: You told me not to climb on anything. I have to climb on the step stool to get on the potty. So I didn't climb. I did exactly what you asked.
Me: Oh....

So, I decided working from home wasn't a good idea for me at the time. Then, after she started school I worked again. Sometime in the 2000's to sometime in the 2000's. See how difficult a resume would be?

If I could just skip that resume part I'm sure I would nail the interview.

Job person: Well, your resume is a little sketchy. Can you fill in the gaps with better dates "the 90's" isn't very specific.
Me: No, not really.
Job person: Well, can you tell me what you did at these jobs?
Me: For the most part what they told me to do.
Job person: OK then. What skills do you bring to the job?
Me: Well, I'm on level 169 in Candy Crush. I'm very adept at Facebook but I don't really understand Twitter, that whole hashtag thing has me scratching my head, and wow - you should see me on Pinterest! You should follow my boards.
Job person: Ok, we will call you if we need you.
Me: You don't have my phone number yet.
Job person: That's OK. I will just make up up the numbers like you did.
Me: Hmmmm. That doesn't sound promising.              

So, I would have to really dig to find out real information about my work history. At this point at least I remember the companies I worked for but give me a few years and I won't even remember that. There should be a spot on applications for older applicants to just check I have a lot of experience but I don't remember when I acquired it. The devil is in the details.

Let's Eat : Yogurt Parfaits

Every once in a while we hit on something that's an instant hit with everyone in our house. We've had that kind of reaction to homemade yogurt parfaits, a layered combination of yogurt, fresh and/or frozen fruit, and granola. Breakfast just doesn't get much simpler than this!

When I first encountered a yogurt parfait, Art and I were in New York City (before kids, back in 2000) for a long weekend of seeing the sights, taking in Broadway shows, and eating out. We wandered over to the Today Show plaza and seated ourselves near the plaza-facing window in Dean & DeLuca. I loved that place! That's where we had our first yogurt parfait -- the yogurt was perfectly tart (but slightly sweet) and thick; the fresh berries were ripe and juicy; and the crunchy granola on top was both beautiful and delicious. Layered in a clear parfait glass, the presentation was so pretty that it almost seemed wrong to eat it. But of course we did, from the comfort of our window seats, watching everyone outside try to get into the camera's view behind Matt Lauer (this was back when he had hair AND Katie Couric).

Using my souvenir mug at home reminds me of being in New York!

Nowadays, you can get a yogurt parfait for $1 at McDonald's. They're served periodically at school when it's "breakfast for lunch" day. You can also get one some mornings at my house (and I daresay mine is better, although not quite as perfect as the Dean & DeLuca one in my memory).

(layered bottom to top)
vanilla yogurt, fresh strawberries, yogurt, kiwi, yogurt, frozen blueberries, yogurt, and granola

Of course, if you make your own yogurt or granola it's even better. I didn't do either here, but we did hand-pick the blueberries in East Texas this summer. Which counts for something!

Depending on your choice of yogurt and granola, this can be as healthy (or not) as you choose. When the berries aren't real sweet, a drizzle of honey or pure maple syrup adds the right touch. Just make sure you've made enough for everyone...no fights at breakfast, please.

On Being a Girl or You Want Me to do What?

Conversation with my daughter

Me: Uh, I need to talk to you about something that is rather personal.

D: Ok.

Me: At some unexpected and extremely inconvenient time you are going to start bleeding down south.

D: What?

Me: You know, down there – you’re going to bleed.

D: Where?

Me: In the ya-ya, the whoo-hoo, the yahoo. You know – your vagina (whispered that part.)

D: Why?

Me: Well, because your body has to get rid of some stuff it doesn’t need, it’s like pooping but more painful, unless you have hemorrhoids but that’s for another time.

D: What is it getting rid of?

Me: Stuff you don’t need like eggs or something.

D: Eggs or something?

Me: Yeah, I think. I don’t know I never really got that far in the book. Ask your dad.

D: You want me to ask Dad about what is in the blood that is going to be coming out of my vagina even though he’s never experienced this personally and you have?

Me: Yeah, he’s smarter than me and probably read the book, might have even written it. I’m going to give you the book so you can read about it yourself.

Then, uhm, when the bleeding starts – oh wait let me back up. You might have some really bad pain in your stomach – I’m talking like double you over pain, your boobs might start hurting, you might get a tad moody, and you might notice that your stomach is a little bit bigger than it was the day before.

D: You’re making this up.

Me: I wish.

D: No, hold up. Why does this happen? If I don’t need the “stuff” why does it have to happen?

M: Well, because when you are older, much older I hope you will need the stuff.

D: What for?

M: Babies. The eggs can turn into babies.

D: Oh my God, did you just tell me I will be bleeding babies?

M: Whoa, that escalated quickly. No, goodness no, the eggs have to go through a special process before they turn into babies (incidentally, that’s also where the babies come out after they're fully processed.) For now, just think of it as blood gushing out of your vagaga.  

D: Wait, I’m 11, you had me when you were really old, like 29. So are you saying for 18 years I do this for no good reason? And how many names do you have for this thing?

M: Well, yeah, give or take a few years on either side and too many to count.

OK, so back to when the bleeding starts.

D: The part where stuff you don’t know about comes gushing out of my body in the form of blood.

Me: Well yeah. Well said. You know you are going to need a way to stop the flow of the blood from getting all over your clothes and you have a couple of choices. This is one – it’s called a pad – look it has wings! When I was your age they looked like neck braces and they didn’t have these handy little wings! You will remove the sticky tape (when I first started they didn’t have sticky tape and sometimes when you walked you felt the neck brace traveling) and place it firmly on your underwear and then wrap the wings around your underwear. Just a tip, if you are going to ride a water ride at an amusement park – don’t wear one of these.

D: OK. I can’t wait to hear about my other choice.

Me: Uhm. Well, this is a tampon. You’ve probably seen the commercials where the happy girls are jumping gleefully into the swimming pool. You will unwrap this, and put this piece of cardboard up you’re hoo-ha, remove the cardboard (that’s an important step, I can vouch for that), and make sure the string is hanging down so when it is at its grossest you can pull it out easily from down there. There are handy illustrations inside the box.

D: You want me to do what?

M: Oh and you know that silly rule about not wearing white after Labor Day? Don’t wear white…ever.

D: Back up, I’m still on the part about sticking cardboard down there.

M: Well you take it out, it’s not like it’s going to stay there.

D: Cardboard?

M: Oh, I just looked at the box, now it’s just plastic – no more cardboard! I would think you might need to remove the plastic.

D: Ya think? You want me to run ask Dad about that real quick?

M: It might not be a bad idea. Well, glad we could have this little chat! Let me know if you have any questions!

D: Daughter mumbling – unless it’s for another synonym for vagina I doubt I will have any questions.

Pharm to Market

In America it costs over a billion dollars to bring a new medication to market. Yes, I said over a BILLION $$$$$'s! This includes all the failures and this is one of the reasons that medication costs so much for the patient. Actually, that cost is usually passed on to private insurance companies and the government through medicare or medicaid.

In 2005 the drug industry spent almost 5 billion dollars on advertising. Yes, 5 billion dollars. Those ads are rather fun to hear when they are listing the side effects of the medication. It's hard to believe that after hearing a drug ad people actually request the drug from their doctor but almost 25% of the people do. The ads work!

If you watch much TV you will see  many of these ads. Sometimes in the same commercial break you will see a drug ad and then an ad from a law firm encouraging you to call if you have taken certain medications as you might be eligible for compensation. Most of the commercials list death as a side effect and listing the side effects takes up the majority of the commercial time. 

Have Low-T? How about trying axiron? There are just a few peskly little side effects. It is actually applied under the arms. Transfer of the medication may cause puberty in young children and acne and facial hair growth in women. If you expect another person to have direct skin-to-skin contact with your armpits, first wash the application area well with soap and water. Unless you are a wrestler when do you actually expect someone to come into contact with your armpits? But, on with the side effects: enlarged or painful breasts, problems breathing, blood clots, skin irritation, headache, diarrhea, vomiting, increased risk of prostate cancer etc...So, it's one thing to agree to these side effects if they only will affect you but if your son ends up with boobs and your wife has trouble shaving her beard because of all the acne then you're an ass and you're not going to get sex anyway. 

How about ED? Here's the commercial for that:
Adman: When the mood is right and your wife actually is in the mood for sex you better hurry man! First, find two clawfooted bath tubs and haul them to the top of a mountain. Then pop a pill. Grab your woman and run to the top of the mountain and get in the tubs and hold hands. 
Woman: What in the bloody hell are we doing in these bathtubs? This is what I get for saying I'm in the mood - you make me run to the top of a damn mountain and lay in a cold bathtub. Is this your idea of romance? I liked it better when your idea of romance was to poke me and say, "Hey, you asleep?" 
Adman:  There may be some side effects when taking Cialis (other than your woman hating you.) The most common side effects are: headache, indigestion, back pain, muscle aches (probably from hauling two heavy bathtubs up a mountain), flushing, and stuffy or runny nose. Uncommon but serious side effects include: an erection that won't go away, decrease or loss of vision, loss or decrease in hearing.

Seriously? How badly do you want it? I don't know, if it were me I think I'd just opt for a feisty game of parcheesi instead of the whole bathtub/pill experience but then I'm a woman. Judging from the sales of these drugs annually I don't think there is much parcheesi being played. I still don't understand the whole bathtub thing.

Some of the stuff is just gross, like if you had a vaginal mesh implant (ew!) there are many lawsuits you can join to get compensation for an implant gone wrong. A vaginal mesh implant just sounds wrong anyway. There are ads for pocket catheters. I realize catheters are needed but I don't want to hear about self lubricating catheters. You can actually order a catheter sampler pack that includes the handy self lubricating catheters.

How about over the counter medication? I can no longer read the labels on OTC meds. The print is so small because they have to list all the possible side effects. Some of these effects are really stupid. For example on a sleep aid - might cause drowsiness. Hmm.

Side note: I had a dog shampoo that listed on the bottle: Not tested on animals. Hmm. So, are my dogs the test subjects? Did you test it on humans? Did you test it at all?

I take a lot of medicine and I am very impressionable so I don't read the side effects. Sometimes my doctor forces me to read them. I find that if I read them that many times I feel those side effects. Next thing you know I'm telling my doctor that my testicles do in fact feel tender and swollen. She then assures me that I probably don't have that problem since I am a woman. I don't get on WebMD anymore. I put in a few symptoms and then it tells me I might have dengue fever, a flesh eating bacteria, prostate cancer, or I might have a cold. I will walk around for a few days thinking my flesh is slowly being eaten or that my prostate is enlarged (even though I don't actually have a prostate.)

So, even though the medications are expensive and the side effects can be horrible people still ask for these medicines A LOT. You might end up blind and deaf but hey - you can have sex! And, I guess if it kills you - you die happy.

Merry Christmas!

Hey, did you know it's Christmas?

Yeah, me neither. By my calculations we've got 51 days. Well, maybe 48 since I need at least three days of sheer panic and waking up in the middle of the night knowing, positively, that I've left a thousand things undone. A thousand perfect, Martha things that would beautify my home, making it smell of cinnamon and wassail (??) while aglitter with charming coordinated decorations. At least three nights when I wake with a start, sure that the oven is still on with adorable gingerbread cookies in it, charred and inedible.

Welcome to my holiday nightmare...

Every year at this time -- when I'm getting excited about Thanksgiving, deciding which pies I'll make, arranging the pumpkin-scented candles, and pulling out sweaters (since the weather finally cools off around Halloween) -- retailers are making sure I can't go anywhere without their constant reminders that "it's not too late!" to get ready for Christmas. OF COURSE it's not too late -- it's November 4. Good grief. I'm not stupid -- they've got plenty of stuff. Way too much. Shipping is pretty fast if I need it. In a pinch I could actually visit the mall, something I normally avoid like Brussels sprouts. And I don't have to do any shopping before I have my turkey and cranberries and oyster dressing.

We've all already seen the signs:

• holiday music pumped into stores and elevators,
• television commercials hawking the latest "cool" toys,
• ads for holiday movie marathons,
• festive toy catalogs in the mailbox,
• flyers on the front door from more than one local church, asking that we "save the date" for their Christmas pageants.

At Michael's last week, the store was naturally overflowing with every Halloween thing you might need or want, plus a few things you could never even imagine needing or wanting. Yesterday it was magically a Christmas wonderland. Now with a place like Michael's I cut them some slack -- after all, if you're crafting then you do have to start ahead of the holidays. But I was at Kohl's maybe a month ago, and they already had a corner set up with a sparkling tree, plenty of ornaments, and various red-and-green home décor. Really?? Are people buying these things in early October? And that's not as bad as the grocery stores, some of which already have decorated cookies available for your holiday parties. Yum.

I can't even raise an eyebrow in response to Black Friday. The obese newspapers full of ad after ad after ad, all the "sneak peeks" and retailers opening ON Thanksgiving (so wrong). To me, this is one of the best days of the year to stay home, reheating leftovers and trying to remember where I've stored the garlands. The one shopping event I do attend is the day (whose name I can't even remember) when everyone offers free shipping. I absolutely love free shipping. One reason I like that one is it comes after Thanksgiving...

Please don't get the wrong idea -- I love the holidays, with all the baking and wrapping and music and silly earrings and twinkly lights. I watch all the specials and replay movies like "White Christmas" and "It's a Wonderful Life" every year, forcing my family to join in. We drive around light-looking and make gingerbread houses. But I do prefer my holidays in the right order, and we need the weeks before Thanksgiving to count our blessings and enjoy a little calm before the storm of the official holiday season hits full force. Is that too much to ask?

There are so many reasons to watch White Christmas again (at the right time)...this is just one!

Another is the astonishingly gorgeous wardrobe worn by Rosemary Clooney. But that's a whole 'nother post.