Drive-Thru Hell

Do you remember the days when you went to the drive-thru at your favorite fast food place and asked for a number 1 with a coke and that was it? Gone are the good old days. It seems all of them are now competing to be gourmet fast-food eateries with new "items" on the menu frequently.

Here's how it seems to go now:
Employee: Welcome to (blank) would you like to try our new "muwah,wha, wha" (insert Charlie Brown adult voice here because I can never understand what they are saying.)
Me: No, I don't think so. (It's possible I actually order what they are saying but who knows.) If one of the girls are with me it will go something like this:

Employee: Welcome to (blank) would you like to try our new "muwah,wha, wha"
Me: What?
Amelia: He asked if you wanted a fish and kale sandwich.
Me: God no. That sounds repulsive.
Amelia: They can hear you.
Me: I'm sorry. No, I don't want a fish and kale sandwich. Gross. I would like 2 number 1's, no onions, extra pickles, and 1 iced tea and one Sprite.

Employee: We don't have Sprite is Sierra Mist OK?
Me: Yes
Employee: Sweet or unsweet?
Me: What?
Amelia: He's talking about the tea do you want sweet or unsweet?
Me: Oh, unsweet.
Employee: Lemon?
Me: No

Employee: Lettuce?
Me: Let us what?
Employee: What kind of lettuce do you want?
Me: Uh...regular?
Employee: Iceberg?
Me: Yes

Employee: Would you like these with cheese?
Me: Yes
Employee: What kind?
Me: What kind of what?
Employee: Cheese.
Me: Uh...
Employee: Cheddar, American, Swiss, Pepper Jack
Me: One pepper jack and one cheddar

Employee: Medium or large?
Me: Medium or large what? Cheese?
Employee: Do you want the medium or the large meal?
Me: I want the regular meal.
Employee: So, medium.
Me: Yes, what the hell happened to small? This is as bad as Starbuck's.
Amelia: Mom, they can hear you!

Employee: Would you like to add bacon?
Me: Yes
Employee: Regular or black pepper?
Me: From this point on can we just assume regular for everything?

Employee: Mustard or mayonnaise?
Me: Mustard on the pepper jack, mayo on the cheddar.
Employee: What kind?
Me: What kind of what?
Employee: What kind of mustard? Dijon, honey, spicy brown, or regular?
Me: Dear Lord, did Wolfang Puck open a fast food place and I didn't hear about it?  I planned my wedding in less time than this. There are 12 people behind us, the man directly behind us is asleep and the rest of them are honking. They have no idea what they are getting into until they drive up here. I miss the days when you drove up and talked to a creepy clown. Regular. Just please make it regular or we will still be sitting here when you start serving breakfast.

Employee: Fries, onion rings, or tater tots?
Me: Dare I even try? Fries with one and onion rings with the other.
Employee: Regular, curly, or spicy?
Me: Regular. I want regular. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be!
Employee: Would you like ketchup?
Me: Is it regular ketchup?
Employee: Yes, unless you would like a special dipping sauce we have ranch, honey mustard, BBQ, teriyaki...
Me: No. Just regular ketchup will be fine.

Employee: Would you like to add a cookie for .99?
Me: No
Employee: Would you like to donate to the Red Cross?
Me: No. I want to do whatever gets me out of this line as fast as possible with at least 85% of my order correct.

Employee: OK, your total will be $21.35. Drive up to the second window please.

Do you remember when you could get 3 large tacos for .99 at 2:00 a.m.? And, what the hell is the first window for anyway?

Employee: Here is your order and your receipt. Please notice the survey at the bottom of the receipt.
Me: Not another damn survey. Who completes these anyway? Jason's gives away a free cookie and I still don't complete these surveys.
Amelia: Mom, they can hear you.
Me: OK, you might want to go wake up the guy behind me. Hopefully he's just asleep and hasn't died waiting for his turn.
Amelia: Mom, they can still hear you!