Light bulbs and more...

Light bulbs. Pretty simple right? Yeah, you would think so but...not so much. Do you have ANY idea how many options there are for light bulbs? I bought 2 lamps today. Took me about 15 minutes to find the lamps that I wanted and then it took me 35 MINUTES to find the light bulbs. There are regular (incandescent) bulbs (I think they might be illegal now except for Texas where we don't put up with bullshit regulations for light bulbs), CFL's, and LED's. I won't go into the description for these - you can look that crazy business up and I don't understand it anyway but let me just say that the top of the line light bulb costs WAY more than the plain old light bulb. Want bright light, soft light,warm light, Bud lite, daylight? I finally gave in and bought one LED and one CFL (even though they apparently have boron, mercury, krypton, are radioactive and a fire hazard,and can cause electromagnetic interference I live on the edge.) The LED says it should last 22.8 years. You know what, I'm keeping my receipt.

The light bulb aisle

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: We choose not to make a statement of either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb however, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way,long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.

Today I went through the drive thru at the bank. Typically choosing the drive thru indicates that you don't have time or don't want to enter the branch. It might mean that you are in a bit of a hurry. Today, I was in a bit of a hurry and needed some cash. My debit card expired so I knew the ATM wouldn't work thus the drive thru option. I sent the tube with my DL and expired card. I explain about the card expiring, she verifies my bona fides and then the following conversation ensues:

T: Would you like to come in and get a new card?
Me: No, I don't have time right now.
T: It only takes about 10 minutes.
Me: Sorry, maybe later.
T: Do you want to make an appointment?
Me: No.
T: Sometimes it gets busy and you have to wait.
Me: OK, but I don't have time right now, maybe later.
T: Do you live in a home?
Me: Excuse me?
T: A house, do you live in a house?
Me: Yes. (in my head I'm thinking WTH?)
T: Do you want to refinance your house?
Me: No.
T: How about remodeling? Do you want to come in and see about getting a home improvement loan?
Me: No. (in my head - well, I won't even tell you - I'm sure you can guess)
T: Our rates are very competitive.
Me: I'm sure they are. I just really only have time to get cash today (barely.)

I understand the art of the upsell but this wasn't a "do you want fries with that" kind of upsell. I was in the drive thru just wanting cash. Why in the hell are you asking me these ridiculous questions. I know it's not her fault. Some paper pusher in corporate thought this would be a great way to get people to refinance their homes and came up with a script that everyone had to go through before money could be dispensed. The ATM probably has extra prompts on it now asking the same questions. Sometimes stuff just doesn't make any sense at all. It does however explain why it takes so long to get through the drive thru these days!

The Case Against Mother Nature

Mother Nature does not exist and I have proof. Even as exceedingly awful as women can be to each other there is no way another woman could be as cruel as that of this mythical Mother Nature. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.

Oh sure, laugh all you want you bitch.

From our early teens we bleed monthly. Many times never knowing when or where IT might strike. Remember those times when you could just go swimming and not worry about anything? Then, all of a sudden you get invited to a swim party and you sit on the side of the pool without getting in while boys in their innocence ask why you aren't swimming. You snap at them to mind their business because you now have mood swings and bloating. How about those visits to the school nurse? How about having to ask your male teachers if you can be excused? Fun times. Nope, there can't be a Mother Nature but I believe there might be a Mommy Dearest.

Years and years of bleeding monthly and then miraculously it stops! Ah, the sweet relief! You can go swimming all you want - except for now you don't look quite as cute in your bathing suit (unless it's brown but I digress.) Oh, but you aren't really off the hook yet - Mommy Dearest has more in store for you!

MENOPAUSE. OH MY GOOD GRACIOUS. GIVE ME THE BLEEDING BACK! HOT FLASHES. NIGHT SWEATS. YOU JUST THOUGHT YOU HAD MOOD SWINGS. WHY AM I YELLING? HOT FLASHES AND MOOD SWINGS - THAT'S WHY YOU MISERABLE,  HALITOSIS-INFESTED HEATHEN.

Menopause. One minute you are looking at a blade of grass and crying at the beauty of it and the next minute you're wondering if you can make a weapon out of it. Hot flashes. Can't even describe them - you have to experience them to know the suffering they cause. For example, right now I look like I just ran a 5K in August in TEXAS. I thought I was through with this crap. That's how Mommy Dearest does it. She tricks you into believing it's all over. You don't need no stinking hormones! Get off those meds. Then you might go months maybe years without any problems then - BAM! SHE'S BACK! And when she comes back she makes up for lost time. You can sit under a ceiling fan and have 2 other fans pointed directly at you and it won't matter you will still be sitting in a malodorous marinade of sweat. Take an ice cold shower. Sure, that works until you have to turn the water off and get out. Maybe a good nights sleep will help. Forget it. NIGHT SWEATS.

No, Mother Nature belongs in the same category as the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. Mommy Dearest exists and boy do I have a score to settle with her. Where's that blade of grass spear I made?