The Case Against Mother Nature

Mother Nature does not exist and I have proof. Even as exceedingly awful as women can be to each other there is no way another woman could be as cruel as that of this mythical Mother Nature. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.

Oh sure, laugh all you want you bitch.

From our early teens we bleed monthly. Many times never knowing when or where IT might strike. Remember those times when you could just go swimming and not worry about anything? Then, all of a sudden you get invited to a swim party and you sit on the side of the pool without getting in while boys in their innocence ask why you aren't swimming. You snap at them to mind their business because you now have mood swings and bloating. How about those visits to the school nurse? How about having to ask your male teachers if you can be excused? Fun times. Nope, there can't be a Mother Nature but I believe there might be a Mommy Dearest.

Years and years of bleeding monthly and then miraculously it stops! Ah, the sweet relief! You can go swimming all you want - except for now you don't look quite as cute in your bathing suit (unless it's brown but I digress.) Oh, but you aren't really off the hook yet - Mommy Dearest has more in store for you!

MENOPAUSE. OH MY GOOD GRACIOUS. GIVE ME THE BLEEDING BACK! HOT FLASHES. NIGHT SWEATS. YOU JUST THOUGHT YOU HAD MOOD SWINGS. WHY AM I YELLING? HOT FLASHES AND MOOD SWINGS - THAT'S WHY YOU MISERABLE,  HALITOSIS-INFESTED HEATHEN.

Menopause. One minute you are looking at a blade of grass and crying at the beauty of it and the next minute you're wondering if you can make a weapon out of it. Hot flashes. Can't even describe them - you have to experience them to know the suffering they cause. For example, right now I look like I just ran a 5K in August in TEXAS. I thought I was through with this crap. That's how Mommy Dearest does it. She tricks you into believing it's all over. You don't need no stinking hormones! Get off those meds. Then you might go months maybe years without any problems then - BAM! SHE'S BACK! And when she comes back she makes up for lost time. You can sit under a ceiling fan and have 2 other fans pointed directly at you and it won't matter you will still be sitting in a malodorous marinade of sweat. Take an ice cold shower. Sure, that works until you have to turn the water off and get out. Maybe a good nights sleep will help. Forget it. NIGHT SWEATS.

No, Mother Nature belongs in the same category as the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. Mommy Dearest exists and boy do I have a score to settle with her. Where's that blade of grass spear I made?