Saturday, August 20, 2016

No, I will NOT KEEP CALM!

We did this picture as a joke but it's all too real.

AT&T has a series of commercials now that highly agitate me, most commercials do but this sequence of commercials are especially disturbing. I realize that these are actors playing a role, they are not a real family (hopefully) and they are "over"acting because that is what the role requires. Good for them, they have a job but, if I ever see the mom in these ads I will most likely punch her. Just like I occasionally exaggerate some of my stories a tad to give them a bit more punch, commercials do the same.

If you've watched the Olympics you've seen these ads. The family loses their Internet connection and then they instantaneously lose their collective minds, the parents are as immature and irascible as the kids. They go through various preposterous scenarios the longer their Internet connection is broken. In one ad they are peeping on their neighbors watching cat videos, one the family stares blindly while one of them "plays" the piano, in one the dad is actually lying on the floor overwrought about this dreadful loss of "life" in their family. I find myself wanting to scream at the TV, "Get off the floor you despicable man and be a better role model for your bratty kids!" They are worrying about the wrong connection.

Amelia and I were out to eat one day when I saw an adorable little girl, probably around a year old with her mom and grandfather. The mom and grandfather were staring at their phones while the little girl sat there in her high chair entertaining herself. It was heartbreaking. What were they missing? Sweet smiles, goofy faces? Time flies, in a year she will have her own device to stare at and all connection between them will be lost.

Keep Calm, Your Childhood Is Gone

My mom is gone, or at least the mom that I knew, the one that was my friend and my foundation. She recognizes me although sometimes calls me by another name but she can no longer carry on a conversation. She does have good days but mostly when I'm with her we simply sit. The temptation is great to grab my phone instead of "being" with her but that is disrespectful. I have been guilty of doing this on occasion but usually, I catch myself and stop. I don't know how long I have with her (or anyone for that matter) and I don't want my last memories to be me playing Candy Crush.

Keep Calm, Your Parent Is Gone


The most recent in the series of ads the family is finally sitting together and a new "character" the grandfather appears. Mom (the one I want to punch in the face) asks her dad to tell them stories because he apparently is a great storyteller. As he begins a story Mom interrupts him to tell him to move on to the next story. We don't know at this point (hopefully the resolution follows in the next ad) why he has to skip to the next story, are they not appropriate or are they uninteresting in this "connected" world? You cold-hearted wretch of a mother, you have your family around you, your dad in front of you and your insolence on display before your kids. Hopefully, your Internet connection restores quickly and you can break this family "connection" that you clearly want to avoid. I would joyously surrender my Internet to have my dad return to us and I would listen attentively to every story he told even if I knew each of them from many tellings.

Keep Calm Your Family Is Gone

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Write Me Up!

I've often wondered what it would be like if I was born in a different time. It's impossible to know but here are a few possibilities.

The Bible
Moses, sorry to bother you but some of the girls and I have been talking and we're wondering about all this wandering (I wonder as I wander) and how much longer we are required to do this. We've been wandering so long I've named the rocks - there's Hudson, Dwayne, Crocodile, and my favorite, Fraggle. Don't get me wrong, we were totally impressed with the parting of the Red Sea, I bet people will be talking about that 50 years from now but is it possible you misunderstood this wandering thing? Any chance of renegotiating? I'm sorry we were so horrible but we thought you'd died when you left for so long on the mount, that golden calf was a really bad idea but those of us left didn't worship it. If we promise to be good could we stop wandering? Is there any way we can prove our worthiness?



Noah -  Are you sure about the termites and the beavers?




The Scarlet Letter

What's Hester doing up there? Methinks yond embroidery work is most wondrous.


Didst thee not heareth?

Nay, I didst not heareth Nellie.  I hath been darning socks all damn day.  Methinks Paul frolics without his shoes. Hast thou seen that gent frolicking? Doth thee thinketh the lady Hester wouldst darn these socks, the lady doeth such valorous work. Yond A looks wonderful. Prithee wherefore the mistress is on displayeth.

The lady committed adultery.

Damnation! Nay the horror!

Holdeth thy tongue Mistress Patricia!

Doth thee knoweth who is't the lady's been with?  Paul best not be doing yond kind of frolicking or that gent's going to receiveth a darning needle where the lamp shineth not.

The lady hast not named her lover.

Verily? Good for her, I wonder if it beest that new hottie of a minster?

Mistress Patricia, thee shall rotteth in Hell.

Thee knoweth thee were bethinking the same thing thee fusty biddy.

It's probably best I was born when I was...things might not have gone so well for me, especially if I had been in Salem in 1692, just a small change from the actual year (1962) I wast born!