Not everybody like shantung

When Katy was living at home we would have a fight on her birthday. Every single year. So, if we fought on her birthday, then planning for the biggest party in her life might result in a few tiffs, maybe something like this.

Mom, we need to talk about your dress.

What dress?

THE dress that you will wear to the wedding. You know you have to wear a dress, right?

Oh, that dress, of course I know I have to wear a dress.

I think you should consider shantung.

I don't think that's a good idea. I don't know how to wrap those and I don't want it to fall off when I'm bustin' a move on the dance floor!

Mom, that's a sarong, I'm talking about shantung and you will NOT be bustin' a move.

Why can't I bust a move? DJ will be playing some Chaka Khan, Gladys, Aretha, Stevie, Elvis,

Let me interrupt you here, the DJ will not be playing any of those artists.

I'd get another DJ then.

No, I'm choosing the songs, there won't be any songs from any of the artists you mentioned.

I wouldn't tell your guests that, they might not come to the wedding. I guess you could opt to warn them and they can make their own decision. On the invitation you could tell them to leave their dance shoes at home.

Mom, I will have fun music, apparently not what YOU think is fun.

I hope the food is good for everybody standing around not dancing. Too bad Lawrence Welk is dead, and a onea and a twoa...

You can't dance anyway.

What do you mean I can't dance? I'm Ginger Rogers on Red Bull, Beyonce will want me as her choreographer when she sees my moves. Besides, you've never seen me dance.

Yes, I saw you dance at the Gladys Knight concert. You dance like that and people will call 911 thinking you're having a seizure.

That wasn't a good representation of my mad skills. I didn't really have enough space to let loose. Maybe I'll suggest a couple of tunes for the DJ.

No, you are NOT to talk to the DJ. Promise me that you won't talk to the DJ.

I promise.

Mom, do you have your fingers crossed behind your back?

No.

Let me see.

No.

Good grief, most people plan their wedding with an adult, I'm planning mine with a 3-year-old.

You cut me deep Katy. You cut me real deep just now.

Mom, this is not an appropriate time to go Shrek on me.

Honey, anytime is Shrek time.

Argggh. Back to the shantung, it's a fabric, not a dress.

It sounds itchy.

It doesn't sound itchy.

It does, and it sounds ugly too. Here comes the bride's mother wearing a pig turd green shantung and it looks like she's broken out in a terrible rash. That won't do. I can't come in like a boss, rocking the aisle if I'm scratching myself. Not everybody like shangtung. You know what everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever

Me in my pig turd green shantung - it needs some ruching.

You are NOT coming in like a boss and you will NOT BE ROCKING and STOP QUOTING FROM SHREK!

I've been thinking of my entrance songs. "Brick House" "Bad" or how about some "RESPECT" up in here - I could really glide down the aisle to any of those songs! Parfaits are delicious.

NO! You don't really even get a song. Music will be playing.

Uh, that's not a song?

Let's get back to the dress.

The itchy one?

Yes.

I told you it was itchy.

You need to consider ruching.

First of all, you said that wrong, and secondly, I don't think we should rush. Remember I said I needed to lose 30 pounds before the wedding? I only have 40 to go. I don't want to buy anything now for when I lose all the weight.

Mom, I didn't say rushing, I said ruching. Ruching means to gather.

Then why the hell didn't you say an itchy dress with gathers? Since your time in France you've been uppity about fashion. I bet ruching is some stupid French term isn't it?

Its origins may be in France.

I just know, before this is over, I'm going to need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'

MOM, STOP QUOTING SHREK!!!

I think I need a hug.