Write, Right?

The last few times I’ve attempted to write something, anything, I’ve had help.

Inexplicably, every time I sit in the chair in front of my computer, I almost immediately have a visitor. A curious, attentive, too-smart child who is fascinated by every keystroke. It’s almost like there’s a little alarm in the chair that flashes lights all over the rest of the house, signaling that I have started to relax.

Son: What are you doing?

Me: Trying to write.

Son: About what?

Me: Well, I just had an idea but it’s not really all worked out yet. Sometimes I just type until it comes together.

Son: (bewildered face) That’s weird.

Me: (now with complete writer’s block) I know. Have you had your bath?

Son: Yep.

Me: Brushed teeth?

Son: Uh-huh.

Me: (typing a few lame sentences) Is your homework finished?

Son: (sigh) Hours ago. (reads what I've written, out loud) That doesn’t make sense.

Me:  Right. (typing more) Aren’t you thirsty?

Son: I just drank a whole bunch of water. (burps to prove it, then reads more aloud) You made a typo.

Me: (a teeny bit annoyed) I’ll fix that. Thanks.

Son: (giggling as I make the same typo again) Can we look at Pinterest now?

Me: Well, I was trying to write something. (I consider suggesting that he give it a try, then decide against it -- I'm not in the mood to know if a 10-year-old is better than I am at this.)

Son: Puh-leese? It will just take a minute. I want to see how many “likes” I got on my board.

Me: I don’t think Pinterest works like that. Sometimes people pin your pins, but mostly it’s for you to keep track of stuff you like.

Son: (clearly disappointed) Oh. Can we look at your facebook then?

Me: Oh my, what time is it? Maybe I should tuck you in?

Son: Can I get a membership to Roblox? Or maybe a cell phone?

Me: (slightly exasperated, wondering how I thought I’d ever write a couple of decent paragraphs) Not tonight. Hey look, it’s nearly 8:30. We should go upstairs.

Son: Why do you get to play on the computer whenever you want?

Me: Well, because I'm a grownup and -- believe it or not -- I'm not always playing.

Son: Not. I’m hungry. Do we have any ice cream?

Me: Oh, no, you’re going to sleep now. You can eat breakfast first thing in the morning. But not ice cream.

Son: No fair. (repeating sentences he read, now from memory and in what sounds to me like a mocking tone) Still doesn’t make sense.

Me: (sarcastically) Thank you for critiquing my work.

Son: (brightly) Hey, can we order some stuff?

Me: (slowly closing laptop) No, not right now…

Et Tu Target?

I think my issues with Wal-Mart have been well documented but so far I haven't had problems with Target - until today.

All throughout the health and beauty area they had deals for buy X# of items and you would get a $5.00 Target gift card. Cool. So I bought 3 different sets of products that should have qualified me for 3 gift cards. The first one went through without a hitch. Then we got to the vitamins and it didn't work. Hmm. Then the toothpaste didn't work either. The cashier said, "It will tell us automatically when there is a deal." Well, there are 2 more deals there that we're missing. So, she calls her GSLT or GLTS or some other dumb acronym over to help. Well the dumb acronym comes over and says, "It comes up automatically on the register if there is a deal" then she leaves. Thanks Ms. Acronym!

At this time I'm starting to doubt myself. I'm thinking - that computer really should know what it's doing. I'm probably wrong. I pay and ALMOST leave. Then I think, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer or as one of Katy's friends used to say, "not the brightest bulb in the light bulb store" but I really think I have this right. I go to customer service and ask to leave my cart (because it was one of those damn squeaky ones) so I could go check some prices. I go check and I take pictures of the offers. When I did this I realized that on one of them I had bought a bottle with the wrong quantity - it had to be a quantity of 65 instead of 80 (they were mixed together on the shelf) but that was easy to fix. Of course the customer service girl had to call Acronym over to help.

5.8 + 5.8 does not equal 11.6 because you can't add them.

According to this offer if I buy 3 2-pk (11.6 oz) Crest etc...then I will get a $5 GC. You might not know this but toothpaste doesn't come in 11.6 ounce tubes. Until today I didn't know nor did I care about that. Of course, it doesn't have to because when you get a 2-pk of toothpaste (5.8 ounces each) that equals 11.6 ounces. But you can't add them. This is what the acronym told me. She insisted that it had to be 11.6 ounces and therefore I needed 3 2-pk with the tubes being 11.6 ounces each. To this I reply, "OK, where are the packages of 11.6 ounce tubes?" Hint: she couldn't find them because they don't exist.  Any time I said that 5.8 + 5.8 = 11.6 she would say, "no, you can't add them." Well, it seems as though we are at an impasse because I bloody well CAN add them. She continues to look for the cagey 11.6 oz tube (a 2-pk no less) but it continued to evade her. I'm waiting somewhat patiently for her to come to the same conclusion that I had reached that you could in fact add 5.8 + 5.8 and that everyday, all day it would equal 11.6. Maybe the sign was worded poorly but I caught on to it fairly quickly and I'm the customer not the acronym. The print is really small but it says *Free $5 Gift Card when you buy 3 select hair care, skin care, OR personal care items as signed. So she asks me if I bought any hair care items too. No, no I didn't. I didn't have to because it says OR not AND. Finally, she gives up. I want to add that throughout this experience we were both very cordial and friendly (yes, even me) but I wasn't leaving without my GC! She takes me back to customer service and I leave with my 3 $5.00 Target gift cards! And 3 X 5.00 = 11.6!