I can see clearly now the pain is gone...

I'm not a stupid person, I'm just a person that does stupid things, kind of a lot.

A couple of weeks ago I came down with a horrible case of pink eye. At one moment I was enjoying breakfast, and the next moment my left eye was on fire, itching, hurting, oozing green gunk, and more. As the day progressed the pink eye worsened. Late that night I ended up at an Emergency care clinic, and I would have given them my debit card and PIN to help me.

The doctor put drops in my eye that made it glow a weird green color and passed some device over my eye and diagnosed pink eye as I expected. He gave me drops and told me to follow up with my eye doctor if it didn't improve, and informed me of how contagious it was and to wash my hands frequently. He also listed all the things that I should and shouldn't do. Don't scratch your eye, don't touch the other eye after touching the left eye, change your pillow case every night...the list went on. I scratched my eye, touched the other eye, and didn't change my pillowcase. And yet...it improved, didn't move to the other eye, nor did anyone else catch it. Hmm. That's curious. Oh well.

After almost 2 weeks I decided I needed to seek that follow up they mentioned. My eye doctor was busy, so I saw his partner. He explained to me that some pink eye cases either bacterial or viral could last for weeks. Oh hell. He then looked in my eye and said, "Do you wear contacts?" Well, I've been trying to wear them again, trying mono vision but for some reason, we can't get the vision corrected in my left eye, to which he said, "You have a contact in your left eye." No, I don't. Hey, I've watched ER and House, and I've diagnosed several fake illnesses on WebMD, so I'm qualified to tell this doctor with his years of training that he's wrong. "Well, yes you do, let me put some numbing drops in your eye, and I'll show you." I needed the numbing drops because without them I would have felt the suction as my contact was released from bondage pulling half of my eye with it. Minutes later with some effort, he pulls the DAILY WEAR contact off of my eye and shows it to me. Imagine my surprise. I have absolutely no idea (well I do have a couple of ideas) how that happened, and I think it had been in there for over a month and a half. Let that sink in, daily wear contact, month and a half. I didn't have pink eye, I had a case of stupid. The ER doctor didn't have the proper equipment to see it, nor did the lady in the bathroom at the Pancake House that looked in my eye to see if anything was in there.

He told me my eye should begin feeling better quickly (no sh*t), but he also gave me some drops for the irritation still going on in my eye. To try and make me feel better he told me there was a woman in the UK that thought the contacts dissolved in your eyes, so she ended up with 27 of them in one eye. Knowing someone is dumber than you is not comforting, I also knew that I would be telling my family and friends. Sure, I could have kept this to myself but, I didn't, and now I'm sharing it with the world. OK, not the world, just about 50 people that might read this blog.

How did this happen you ask? It's a mystery, but I have some guesses. I am easily distracted. It's possible that I took the right one out and decided at that very moment that I needed to know the difference between a donkey and a mule. I would not have been able to wait 10 seconds to look this up but would have to have the info immediately. Also, had I waited 10 seconds to look it up I would have forgotten how much I wanted to know the difference between a donkey and a mule. Thank you, Google.

It's possible I took the right one out and decided I was thirsty and must get a drink that very minute. I'm not really patient.


It's also plausible that at one point I had 2 contacts in my left eye and removed only one.

My family will tell you that it's difficult for them when dealing with my foolishness, but I assure you it's way harder for me.

We are not all the same...

I attended college on a full academic scholarship, to this day I don't know how I won it other than there were not that many applicants. My parents were obviously thrilled because they wouldn't have to pay for college.

My first major was Business Administration, then I took Business Math, and knew it was time to move on. I switched to Social Work, yikes. Too depressing. Then there was something else that I don't even remember (the counselors knew me by name), then I settled on an All-Level Education degree in Physical Education and English because yeah, that was a GREAT idea. My student teaching experience was terrible, and the degree was worth less than the paper the diploma was printed on, but at least it was FREE, and I had a degree!

When Paul and I had kids we assumed that they would attend college, it was a given. Katy went to college and then got a job, exactly like she was supposed to do. She's not working in the field that she received her degree in, but that often happens. She's successful, financially independent, and happy.

Amelia did exactly what was expected of her too, she went off to college after high school graduation. Some students know what they want to do when they are still very young, for others it takes longer, or in my case, I never figured it out. She started in Nursing and then switched to Computer Science. Midwestern State did not have a good CS department, so she returned to Dallas, rented an apartment with two other girls, and attended UTD as a CS major. Then, her world turned UPSIDE DOWN! She had two major surgeries within 3 months of each other, one of which was retina detachment. She also had an illness that took a long time to diagnose and even with medication it still troubles her. She lost two grandmothers in less than a year and is now facing cataract surgery next month. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but good grief, she's had a rough time of it.

When I discovered that Amelia wanted to quit school, I was unhappy and disappointed. I knew it was a terrible mistake that she would regret. That was NOT the plan that we had in mind for our girls. That was not what EVERYONE else was doing. What will people think?

I can tell you what people think; she'll never find a good job, she's smarter than that, why did you allow her to quit school, she didn't try hard enough, she will never earn over minimum wage and won't be able to support herself (she is supporting herself, and she is making well over minimum wage thank you very much), and she'll always hold dead-end jobs if she gets hired at all. The lack of support from friends AND family was astounding. People judged not only her, but Paul and I for this egregious (was that an SAT word?) lack of commitment.

Amelia and I went out to lunch after my mom's burial, and she explained to me how she felt about college. She had taken several courses that she hated and ended up dropping because they weren't the right fit and she didn't want to waste money trying to find it. College is expensive y'all, I mean really costly, and I appreciate that she realized at this time, it's not right for her. Will she ever return to college? I feel like she probably will, but she wants to work for a while and find a degree that is relevant to her job. If she never returns, that's ok with us. Above all else we want our girls to be financially independent and happy. Isn't that what all parents want for their kids?

Leaving school was the right thing for her, as soon as she quit, she became a different person. I had not realized how stressed and unhappy she was at school. Amelia is the nicest person I know. She's kind, compassionate, caring, and loving. These are qualities that cannot be taught at any level and are traits that should count for something in her life, in my opinion, they're more valuable than a college degree. I'm not dissing college at all. It can be a critical part of growing up and obviously for specific careers it's required. But, it's not for everyone, and I believe in her, and I know she will make the right decision for HER.

So the next time you look down on someone for not doing what is expected, check yourself. We are not all the same, the world would be boring if we were.

Side Effects

I take quite a few medicines, but I refuse to read the side effects, I know the power of suggestion is great, so I ignore them. It has been increasingly difficult to do so because they have commercials that list every possible side effect, like, diarrhea (does anyone actually know how to spell this word?) constipation (I REALLY feel like I need to poop but then I'm afraid I'll get there, and nothing will happen.) Death, always death, dizziness, fatigue, joint pain (that's what I'm taking it for!), blurred vision, diplopia, drowsiness, headache, tremor, rapid weight gain (of course), abnormality in thinking (that explains a LOT,) confusion (ditto), speech disturbance, vertigo, xerostomia, increased appetite (can't catch a break), twitching - look at my eye twitch, and farting. Well, maybe it says passing gas, whatever. 

Paul heard these side effects one day and said why in the world would anyone take something like that?

Uhm, I do, but I've never known all the side effects before, can you go get the thermometer, I don't feel well. I would go get it but I've got a headache, my vision is blurred, I can't really focus, and can you make me a sandwich, I'm starving. 

No, I'm not doing any of that, you heard those side effects, and now you have them. It's all in your head.

No, it isn't. How would you know, have you ever had diplopia before? 

Yes, it certainly is and no, I've never had diplopia, and neither have you. You don't even know what it means.

It means you're allergic to dip. 

You love dip.

I know, that's what makes it so tragic.

Earlier, before this stupid commercial did you say you needed help with something?

Oh yeah, can you help me download some pictures? I tried to figure it out, but something is zipped up.

You don't know what that is?

I can't believe you asked me that! We've been together 30 years, and you're still asking stupid questions, Whoever said there's no such thing as a stupid question was an idiot.

I can't believe I asked it either. OK, let me show you how to unzip the file then you can download the pictures. 

Paul unzips the file. 

Do you know how to download the pictures?

Yes, I do know how to do that.

OK, I'm going back to read my book, it's terrific.

I download pictures.

Where the hell did they go? I better try it again. Where are they? Maybe I'll try the EPCOT file instead. Where did they go? OK, Animal Kingdom will work, nope, Hollywood Studios? Hmmm. Let me start over with the Magic Kingdom again. OK, it's not working.

Paul, can you come here, please?

You didn't know how to download them, did you?

I did know how to download them, I didn't know how to find them once I did. I don't think the pictures are there.

Where?

I don't know where that's why I called you.

OK, let me explain it to you.

Paul explaining...

Random thoughts going through my mind...

I wonder if Ethel Merman had any other hits besides that Roses song? When he's through gibber jabbering maybe I'll Google it. Ethel, that's such a horrible name. Oooh, almost forgot to nod and say uh huh. Kids these days have no idea how good they've got it. We had to look everything up in an encyclopedia. Computers are amazing when I first started working on a computer we had to worry about baud rates. I wonder what a baud is, I'll Google it later. I need to get cat food. Nod, say uh huh. Dear Lord, he's still going. I bet he's telling me about the computer he worked on in college that was as tall as the Empire State Building, took up 3 blocks, and needed some sort of cards. I've heard that one a million times. 

Are you even listening?

What? Oh yeah, I sure am.

What was the last thing I said?

Listening.

Heavy sigh. Well, you had a really far off look like you weren't paying attention.

No, I'm really interested in whatever it is you're talking about. I guess I got distracted by the way your beautiful eyes light up when you're excited about a topic.

OK, as long as you're listening I'll carry on. 

Whew, that was a close one! Gosh, this man can talk. I wonder how much mall Santa's make. I'll Google that later too. He's taking longer to explain this than I did taking the pictures. Maybe I'll take guitar lessons. How did Cinderella's shoe fall off? It fit when she put it on, feet swell during the day, especially after dancing, so they should have been too tight. Oh crap. He might have said something important. What did he say? Crap. I think he said, something about saving as and renaming. What am I renaming? The file I guess, I'm sure you don't have to change the name of every picture, that would be stupid. So, what do I do? If I show my confused face will he start all over at the beginning or will he just get to the stuff that I need to know? Hmm. Probably shouldn't risk it. I'll pretend like I know what I'm doing.

Two hours later...

Paul, can you come in here, please?

You've been in here a long time, you must be about finished.

Well, about that...

You didn't listen to a thing I said, did you?

It's possible I missed a couple of things. I really wanted to pay attention, but I have xerostomia.

You don't even...nevermind. 

What to say...

Katy asked me a couple of weeks ago if I regretted voting for Trump. I guess the honest answer is yes. I'm not going to discuss the reasons that I voted for him and the reasons that I would NEVER vote for Secretary Clinton, that ship has long ago sailed. I wish that I had written in my hero Condoleezza Rice even though it would have been a throw away vote. Realistically, my Trump vote was a throw away vote even though I didn't think of that way at the time, but Secretary Clinton would be the winner, it was a sure thing, so it didn't really matter how I cast my vote. Well...

The events in Virginia have left me discouraged. I mourn the death of  Heather Heyer and commend her for her convictions and morals, and I mourn the loss of the pilots in the helicopter crash Lt. Pilot Cullen and Trooper Pilot Bates. Altogether senseless deaths.

I've blogged before about my relationship with a woman of color, Imani Williams and how she has drastically changed my perspective on racism and privilege. I've only met one other member of her family, her mom, Vincine Brown but because I consider Imani family, her family is my family. How do I look into their eyes and talk about this, and what would I even say? I'm sorry? These are words that mean next to nothing in this situation. I am sorry, ashamed, shocked, and enraged. The people that did this are NOT my sisters and brothers, and they do NOT represent who I am or how I feel, but that doesn't accomplish healing either.  These assholes hurt my family.

The question is, are these evolutionary failures emboldened because of Trump? Would this riot have happened if Clinton were President? I think the answer perhaps is yes to both. I believe the riot would happen because of the controversy over statues of Confederate leaders, although it's possible that it would have been a more peaceful gathering.

Situations exist that shaped us as a country, three of the most important (in my opinion) are our fight for independence, slavery, and the Civil War. These happened. They cannot be erased from our history, nor should they be. The struggles and sacrifices for freedom that were made for people of color need to be remembered by all. Even though it's a heinous event in our past, in my opinion, it can't be forgotten. However, if we erase this history and destroy statues of these men, how do we explain Dr. Martin Luther King? If you erase this past and erase slavery, then Dr. King's and all other civil activists at that time are not essential, their stories don't happen. We can't erase one without the other. Tearing these statues down is a step in expunging a major part of our history, and I don't think it should happen. Yes, I'm white and cannot relate to these feelings that people of color must overcome. It's how I feel though and hopefully people of color can respectfully agree or disagree with my opinion.

April 15, 2018, Katy my eldest daughter is marrying a wonderful man that I love dearly. We have bonded with his family and eagerly look forward to this union. Jared and his family are Jewish. When I saw those neo-nazis and their heil Hitler signs, I felt sick to my stomach. Again, I can't relate to a situation where vile "people" attempted to exterminate an entire race. I cannot comprehend this level of hatred. Also dismaying was the number of young people participating and exhibiting their malice. How on earth can you possibly be filled with so much hate? These assholes hurt my family.

Much of history is painful and so many have died to make positive changes in our society, and it would be wonderful if we could erase all of the bad things. We can't, we simply can't.

This song is actually about protecting our planet but I think it complements my message.

So I won't bend and I won't break

I won't water down my faith

I won't compromise in a world of desperation

What has been I cannot change

But for tomorrow and today

I must be a light for future generations

If we could find a way to preserve our faith

So those who follow us

See the price that was paid

Then maybe when they question

What it's gonna take to survive

They'll find the strength to carry on

In what we leave behind

4Him

"For Future Generations"

The Ride

Benson, 1994

Uncle Louis

I've mentioned before that when I married Paul I hit the in-law jackpot, but that also included extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...

One of those people was Uncle Louis. Louis was a man that you liked as soon as you met him. He had a charming smile, an easy laugh, and a kind heart; all of which you could sense immediately.

He had a playful side too, once when Amelia spent the week with Aunt Hulda and Uncle Louis, Amelia and Louis were playing on the treadmill in the basement. Aunt Hulda came down to scold them for playing on it, but as soon as she was upstairs, they resumed their antics. I can imagine the twinkle in his eyes and the mischievous grin on his face!

Every time I saw him, he would ask me how my mother was doing. The first time he asked I said, "She's ok." He asked me what that meant. "Uh, you know, she's fine." To this, he said, "I don't know what you mean by that, it seems rather vague." I realized that he genuinely wanted to know how Mom was doing. Usually, people ask questions like that, and they don't pay attention to the answer. Not Uncle Louis, he truly wanted to know about mom. When I was with him, I could tell him the truth about Mom. He was a great listener. Listening is a lost art, but a compassionate, caring individual will take the time to listen. He was that person, and when you spoke with him, he focused on you and made you feel special.

I lost my dad 15 years ago, so I know what it's like to lose a father. Uncle Louis and Aunt Hulda had 3 kids, Cheryl, Debbie, and Wayne. I don't know the perspective of a son losing their dad, but I can relate well to a girl losing her father.

Our dads are our protectors. They are smarter than anyone, they are our teachers, they're more lenient than Mom, they can do no wrong, they mend toys and broken hearts. They banish the monsters under the bed and relocate any bugs that infiltrate our room. They are our forever heroes. Many times we honor our fathers by marrying men that are similar to our dad, I know that's what I did.

Aunt Hulda, you married an amazing man, Cheryl, Debbie, and Wayne, how fortunate you were to call him Dad.

Goodbye Uncle Louis, I wish I could have known you longer, but I love you, and I will always think of you fondly.