WHAT?

My mom is hard of hearing – I mean really, really hard of hearing. She’s 87 so that’s not unusual. What is unusual is that she wears cotton in her ears. Not all the time – but most of the time. Here’s my conversation with her about the cotton:

Me: Mom, why are you wearing cotton in your ears?

Mom: What?

Me: Why are you wearing cotton in your ears?

Mom: Yes, I've had these for years -  they go with most of my clothes.

Me: I’m not talking about your earrings, WHY ARE YOU WEARING COTTON IN YOUR EARS?

Mom: Because one night while I was sleeping I heard a pop, it hurt so I put cotton in my ears so it wouldn’t hurt anymore.

Me: Did you ask your doctor about it?

Mom: You’re my daughter, why would I ask you?

Me: No, your doctor?

Mom: What about my doctor?

Me: Never mind.

So, because of her lack of hearing (or the cotton balls) when she is talking, she talks louder than usual. When she is whispering it is more like normal conversation level. For example in church:

Mom: Who is that lady over there in the red dress with the white sweater?

Me: Mom, you aren’t whispering.

Mom: What?

Lady in red dress: Hey Alma, it’s me Mary.

Preacher – just keep on preachin’

So, we are in one of our favorite restaurants waiting for our food and out of the blue I get this little nugget of reality.

Mom: YOU HAVE A MUSTACHE.

Me: Mom, tone it down everyone is staring.

Mom: What? It’s right there – under your nose.

Me: I know where mustaches grow Mom –we don’t need to talk about it right now.

Mom: I’ve seen commercials with women that had full beards – they were too embarrassed to leave the house. They got rid of them, you probably can too but I wouldn’t wait too long. It’s going to get bushier than it already is.

Me: Mom, everyone is staring. The cook and the owner just came out to stare at me.

Mom: Well, I just thought you should know. It’s better to hear it from me than from some stranger.

Me: Thanks, I appreciate it.

Mom: What?

This is my mom at the independent living facility where she lives and the creepy Easter rabbit they have every year. Imagine if he put cotton in those ears!