ERROR!!!!

ERROR 1: STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER

As earlier evidenced – I am technologically challenged. I am surrounded by it; but am completely flummoxed by it. I apparently can’t live without it; but that doesn’t stop me from bitching about it when it doesn’t work.

My husband is a computer guy. I mean, he got his degree in computer science. Realize that the chip on a singing greeting card has more computing power than the computers he programmed in college (that took up a city block) still he has a degree in the stuff. I don’t. My degree is in Physical Education and English which has gotten me to the pinnacle of my life so far. Do you want fries with that?

My husband is also a genius. I mean he really is. When you look at his standardized tests and IQ tests he is one of those Mensa nerds. However, that crap can only get you so far. Just because you’re a genius doesn’t mean you know what you are doing. Like having a conversation with me for the 1000^th time when the computer is not working is just not smart. Just once I would like him to think, “You know, it would be expedient and more efficient if I just got up right now and fixed the computer.” Nope. Not what happens.

For example this is a typical ‘the computer is broken’ conversation we have.

Me: The computer isn’t working.

Paul: What’s wrong with it?

Me: I don’t know. It doesn’t work.

Paul: When?

Me: Now

Paul: Is it giving you an error message?

Me: Yes

Paul: What does it say?

Me: I don’t know.

Now a true genius would know to give it up already. In 25 years I have never once given a legitimate answer to the error message question. EVER. Mainly because the messages are too long and I know he’s just going to fix it anyway so I don’t have to have a good answer. If the message were shorter and cuter then I could give a valid answer.

For example:

ERROR 666 – CLOOSTERFOOKEN or

ERROR 666A – TURNING OFF/ON WILL NOT YIELD DESIRED RESULT; WAIT UNTIL SOMEONE MORE QUALIFIED GETS HOME; ACCESS DENIED

ERROR 666B – SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED

ERROR 666C – YOU’RE SCREWED

Instead it’s this:

ERROR 389105959193: SYNTAX GROUNDHOW ABORT, ABORT, ABORT! CONFIGURE INFLUX CAPACITATOR +++DANGER WILL ROBINSON

Paul: Did you turn it off and back on?

Me: Yes (the customer always lies)

Paul: Did you restart it?

Me: Yes (the customer always lies)

Paul: What were you doing when you got the message?

Me: Riding my bicycle without a helmet. What the hell? How many times were you dropped on your head as a child? In the amount of time it takes to go through these dumb questions you could have already fixed it 6 times.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Paul: It’s fixed. Do you want to know what was wrong so you can fix it the next time?

That boy will never learn!