Not everybody like shantung

When Katy was living at home we would have a fight on her birthday. Every single year. So, if we fought on her birthday, then planning for the biggest party in her life might result in a few tiffs, maybe something like this.

Mom, we need to talk about your dress.

What dress?

THE dress that you will wear to the wedding. You know you have to wear a dress, right?

Oh, that dress, of course I know I have to wear a dress.

I think you should consider shantung.

I don't think that's a good idea. I don't know how to wrap those and I don't want it to fall off when I'm bustin' a move on the dance floor!

Mom, that's a sarong, I'm talking about shantung and you will NOT be bustin' a move.

Why can't I bust a move? DJ will be playing some Chaka Khan, Gladys, Aretha, Stevie, Elvis,

Let me interrupt you here, the DJ will not be playing any of those artists.

I'd get another DJ then.

No, I'm choosing the songs, there won't be any songs from any of the artists you mentioned.

I wouldn't tell your guests that, they might not come to the wedding. I guess you could opt to warn them and they can make their own decision. On the invitation you could tell them to leave their dance shoes at home.

Mom, I will have fun music, apparently not what YOU think is fun.

I hope the food is good for everybody standing around not dancing. Too bad Lawrence Welk is dead, and a onea and a twoa...

You can't dance anyway.

What do you mean I can't dance? I'm Ginger Rogers on Red Bull, Beyonce will want me as her choreographer when she sees my moves. Besides, you've never seen me dance.

Yes, I saw you dance at the Gladys Knight concert. You dance like that and people will call 911 thinking you're having a seizure.

That wasn't a good representation of my mad skills. I didn't really have enough space to let loose. Maybe I'll suggest a couple of tunes for the DJ.

No, you are NOT to talk to the DJ. Promise me that you won't talk to the DJ.

I promise.

Mom, do you have your fingers crossed behind your back?

No.

Let me see.

No.

Good grief, most people plan their wedding with an adult, I'm planning mine with a 3-year-old.

You cut me deep Katy. You cut me real deep just now.

Mom, this is not an appropriate time to go Shrek on me.

Honey, anytime is Shrek time.

Argggh. Back to the shantung, it's a fabric, not a dress.

It sounds itchy.

It doesn't sound itchy.

It does, and it sounds ugly too. Here comes the bride's mother wearing a pig turd green shantung and it looks like she's broken out in a terrible rash. That won't do. I can't come in like a boss, rocking the aisle if I'm scratching myself. Not everybody like shangtung. You know what everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever

Me in my pig turd green shantung - it needs some ruching.

You are NOT coming in like a boss and you will NOT BE ROCKING and STOP QUOTING FROM SHREK!

I've been thinking of my entrance songs. "Brick House" "Bad" or how about some "RESPECT" up in here - I could really glide down the aisle to any of those songs! Parfaits are delicious.

NO! You don't really even get a song. Music will be playing.

Uh, that's not a song?

Let's get back to the dress.

The itchy one?

Yes.

I told you it was itchy.

You need to consider ruching.

First of all, you said that wrong, and secondly, I don't think we should rush. Remember I said I needed to lose 30 pounds before the wedding? I only have 40 to go. I don't want to buy anything now for when I lose all the weight.

Mom, I didn't say rushing, I said ruching. Ruching means to gather.

Then why the hell didn't you say an itchy dress with gathers? Since your time in France you've been uppity about fashion. I bet ruching is some stupid French term isn't it?

Its origins may be in France.

I just know, before this is over, I'm going to need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'

MOM, STOP QUOTING SHREK!!!

I think I need a hug.

Mom, Do You Love Me?

When Katy was little my mother-in-law bought her a book entitled 'Mama, Do You Love Me?' and it quickly became our favorite. I loved reading it to both girls and it was the first book Katy could "read" herself - she memorized it. The book was written by Barbara M. Joosse and it's about a little girl challenging her mom with difficult situations in order to prove her mom's unconditional love. It's a real treasure of a book that I love to this day.  With Katy's engagement, I thought I would change things up a bit for "our" story.

 Mom, Do You Love Me? the Latham way

Mom, do you love me?

Yes I do Dear One.

How much?

I love you more than my autographed Dirk jersey, more than the 2011 Mavericks, even more than Elvis.

How long?

I'll love you until the Rangers win the World Series, until Pete Rose is inducted into the Hall of Fame, and until Donald Trump becomes President.

Mom, he's already President.

Oh dear, well as Meat Loaf says 2 out of 3 ain't bad.    

Mom, what if I took your autographed Dirk jersey camping, and I tried to be careful, and I tried to hang on to it, but I slipped and it fell into the campfire?

WHAT? Why do you have my Dirk jersey? Camping? You hate to camp, it fell into the campfire? Are you kidding me? I'd be madder than hell is what I would be.

Mom, you aren't doing it right and you said that you loved me more than the Dirk jersey.

Well that was before you turned into a clumsy thief.

It's supposed to be something you cherish so you can show that you love me unconditionally. 

I cherish your dad, take him, I bet you can't drop HIM into a campfire.

Mom. Do it like the book.

In the book the kid broke ptarmigan eggs, she didn't drop her mom's Dirk jersey into a raging inferno. The mom can go buy more eggs, I can't get another autographed Dirk jersey, do you realize how many kids I had to shove out of the way to get him to sign it? I've got a Mike Modono jersey that isn't signed, take that.

Mom.

       

OK. Then I would be sorry. But still, I would love you.

What if I took the Modono jersey too?

Then, Dear One, I would be very angry. But still, I would love you. The kid in the book was never this bad. 

What if I said that Tony Romo was a better quarterback than Roger Staubach, that Aretha Franklin wasn't the Queen of Soul, and that Elvis was fat and never had any talent?

Then I would question my parenting skills but still I would love you.

What if I became a 2006 Heat fan?

Then I would be worried.

What if I got a LeBron jersey, a Wade jersey, and a Bosch jersey and wore one of them every time I saw you?

Then, Dear One, I would be very sad. But still, I would love you.

What if I turned into a Yankees fan?

Then I would be surprised (and disgusted.)

What if I said I didn't know who Nolan Ryan was?

Then I would be surprised and a little scared and would question my life choices.

What if I started dating a guy from Iowa, that was a Cubs and a Bulls fan, and I started wearing Cubs and Bulls baseball caps?

I don't know, how big is his farm and is it MJ Bulls or current Bulls?

Mom, not everyone in Iowa is a farmer and I don't know what Michael Jackson has to do with anything. 

OK. For real she knows who Jordan is, I'm not THAT bad of a parent.

Underneath the caps, you would be you, and I would love you.

Mom, what if I told you I loved him and wanted to marry him?

You want to marry this guy? 

You sure he doesn't have a farm? Has he always been a Cubs fan or did he climb on the bandwagon after they broke the curse?

Never a farmer, always a Cubs fan.

Then, if you love him, I will love him too.

There is nothing that you can EVER do to make me stop loving you.

Even if I burned the Dirk jersey?

Even then. I will love you forever and for always, because you are my Dear One.