Write, Right?

The last few times I’ve attempted to write something, anything, I’ve had help.

Inexplicably, every time I sit in the chair in front of my computer, I almost immediately have a visitor. A curious, attentive, too-smart child who is fascinated by every keystroke. It’s almost like there’s a little alarm in the chair that flashes lights all over the rest of the house, signaling that I have started to relax.

Son: What are you doing?

Me: Trying to write.

Son: About what?

Me: Well, I just had an idea but it’s not really all worked out yet. Sometimes I just type until it comes together.

Son: (bewildered face) That’s weird.

Me: (now with complete writer’s block) I know. Have you had your bath?

Son: Yep.

Me: Brushed teeth?

Son: Uh-huh.

Me: (typing a few lame sentences) Is your homework finished?

Son: (sigh) Hours ago. (reads what I've written, out loud) That doesn’t make sense.

Me:  Right. (typing more) Aren’t you thirsty?

Son: I just drank a whole bunch of water. (burps to prove it, then reads more aloud) You made a typo.

Me: (a teeny bit annoyed) I’ll fix that. Thanks.

Son: (giggling as I make the same typo again) Can we look at Pinterest now?

Me: Well, I was trying to write something. (I consider suggesting that he give it a try, then decide against it -- I'm not in the mood to know if a 10-year-old is better than I am at this.)

Son: Puh-leese? It will just take a minute. I want to see how many “likes” I got on my board.

Me: I don’t think Pinterest works like that. Sometimes people pin your pins, but mostly it’s for you to keep track of stuff you like.

Son: (clearly disappointed) Oh. Can we look at your facebook then?

Me: Oh my, what time is it? Maybe I should tuck you in?

Son: Can I get a membership to Roblox? Or maybe a cell phone?

Me: (slightly exasperated, wondering how I thought I’d ever write a couple of decent paragraphs) Not tonight. Hey look, it’s nearly 8:30. We should go upstairs.

Son: Why do you get to play on the computer whenever you want?

Me: Well, because I'm a grownup and -- believe it or not -- I'm not always playing.

Son: Not. I’m hungry. Do we have any ice cream?

Me: Oh, no, you’re going to sleep now. You can eat breakfast first thing in the morning. But not ice cream.

Son: No fair. (repeating sentences he read, now from memory and in what sounds to me like a mocking tone) Still doesn’t make sense.

Me: (sarcastically) Thank you for critiquing my work.

Son: (brightly) Hey, can we order some stuff?

Me: (slowly closing laptop) No, not right now…

Et Tu Target?

I think my issues with Wal-Mart have been well documented but so far I haven't had problems with Target - until today.

All throughout the health and beauty area they had deals for buy X# of items and you would get a $5.00 Target gift card. Cool. So I bought 3 different sets of products that should have qualified me for 3 gift cards. The first one went through without a hitch. Then we got to the vitamins and it didn't work. Hmm. Then the toothpaste didn't work either. The cashier said, "It will tell us automatically when there is a deal." Well, there are 2 more deals there that we're missing. So, she calls her GSLT or GLTS or some other dumb acronym over to help. Well the dumb acronym comes over and says, "It comes up automatically on the register if there is a deal" then she leaves. Thanks Ms. Acronym!

At this time I'm starting to doubt myself. I'm thinking - that computer really should know what it's doing. I'm probably wrong. I pay and ALMOST leave. Then I think, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer or as one of Katy's friends used to say, "not the brightest bulb in the light bulb store" but I really think I have this right. I go to customer service and ask to leave my cart (because it was one of those damn squeaky ones) so I could go check some prices. I go check and I take pictures of the offers. When I did this I realized that on one of them I had bought a bottle with the wrong quantity - it had to be a quantity of 65 instead of 80 (they were mixed together on the shelf) but that was easy to fix. Of course the customer service girl had to call Acronym over to help.

5.8 + 5.8 does not equal 11.6 because you can't add them.

According to this offer if I buy 3 2-pk (11.6 oz) Crest etc...then I will get a $5 GC. You might not know this but toothpaste doesn't come in 11.6 ounce tubes. Until today I didn't know nor did I care about that. Of course, it doesn't have to because when you get a 2-pk of toothpaste (5.8 ounces each) that equals 11.6 ounces. But you can't add them. This is what the acronym told me. She insisted that it had to be 11.6 ounces and therefore I needed 3 2-pk with the tubes being 11.6 ounces each. To this I reply, "OK, where are the packages of 11.6 ounce tubes?" Hint: she couldn't find them because they don't exist.  Any time I said that 5.8 + 5.8 = 11.6 she would say, "no, you can't add them." Well, it seems as though we are at an impasse because I bloody well CAN add them. She continues to look for the cagey 11.6 oz tube (a 2-pk no less) but it continued to evade her. I'm waiting somewhat patiently for her to come to the same conclusion that I had reached that you could in fact add 5.8 + 5.8 and that everyday, all day it would equal 11.6. Maybe the sign was worded poorly but I caught on to it fairly quickly and I'm the customer not the acronym. The print is really small but it says *Free $5 Gift Card when you buy 3 select hair care, skin care, OR personal care items as signed. So she asks me if I bought any hair care items too. No, no I didn't. I didn't have to because it says OR not AND. Finally, she gives up. I want to add that throughout this experience we were both very cordial and friendly (yes, even me) but I wasn't leaving without my GC! She takes me back to customer service and I leave with my 3 $5.00 Target gift cards! And 3 X 5.00 = 11.6!

My Mind - a very dark and terribly frightening place!

Come with me on a journey - a  journey into my mind. It is scary because there are a lot of voices in there and some of them are really mean. If you can stomach it - come along with me.

We have a new laminate floor that looks just like real wood. I love it but unfortunately it shows every step ever taken on it. I see a print that looks like about a size 8 1/2 with a heel I know Katy has been here. I can detect each pet's different paw print. You get what I'm saying. So here we go. I won't try to name each of the voices in my head - there are just way too many - just realize that I'm talking to myself through all of this.

This floor is disgusting. I should sweep and mop it. But, I should dust first because if I sweep and mop, and then dust it will just get the floor icky again. OK, I will dust, sweep, then mop.

You can't dust yet because of all the crap that's on the furniture. You need to do something with that and then you can dust, sweep, and mop.

OK. I will do something will all of the stuff on the furniture.

Wow, I haven't gone through these piles of mail in a while. Some of this stuff needs to be recycled, some of it needs to be shredded, and there are probably some bills in here that need to be paid too.

Well, didn't you sign up on some website where you don't get so much junk mail?

Yeah, I did. Maybe I should do it again. I will just get on the computer real quick and take care of that.

Don't stay on there too long. Just get on the one website and then right back off again.

OK. While I'm here I might as well check Facebook and Pinterest.

No! Don't do it.

It won't take long - shut up.

You know you are just going to play Candy Crush, hit Like on a bunch of statuses, and then pin a bunch of nonsense that you will never look at again. God knows you aren't going to make any of the recipes you pin and won't ever do the exercises you pin either. Yeah, I really see you doing 50 burpees while you watch TV!

Shut up bitch. I hate you.

Two hours later...

I told you so.

And I told you to shut up. OK, so I'm just going to sort through this mail. Dammit. I forgot to get on that mail site to stop junk mail while I was on the computer.

Don't even think about it.

OK. Sort the mail, shred the financial stuff, recycle junk, pay bills if needed, dust, sweep, mop. I've got this. I just need to go to the computer room to use the shredder. Crap, I can't even get to the shredder there is so much junk in here! OK, clear path to shredder, shred the financial stuff, recycle junk, pay bills if needed, dust, sweep, mop. No problem except I can't even sit in the chair in here. What's in this bag? Oh, it's clothes to give to the Salvation Army. They won't pick up just one bag so I need to clean the closets out so I will have more for them to pick up.

Right now? You want to clean the closets out right now?

Yeah. Then I will be able to sit in this chair and use the shredder.

Have you thought about moving the bag to another spot?

I hate you. OK, I will move the bag, sit down and shred the financial stuff, recycle junk, pay bills if needed,  then dust, sweep, mop. No problem except there is a huge pile of stuff on the shredder! It looks like more stuff to shred. This small shredder isn't going to cut it. Maybe I should go to Wal-Mart and buy another one that is better suited to shred all of this.

NO!

I so very much hate you. But you know that I won't be able to shred all of this because the shredder will overheat. What do you have to say about that?

How about shred some stuff, let the shredder cool down and while it is cooling sort through more junk to recycle, and pay any bills that you find, then you can go back to the shredding and repeat this process as many times as possible.

You've been talking to my husband haven't you? OK, I suppose that is a good idea. I will do that then shred the financial stuff, recycle junk, pay bills if needed, dust, sweep, mop.

Good, stay focused. You can do this!

No she can't.

Shut up! I've got her moving in the right direction, don't discourage her now! If she doesn't do something about all this stuff we'll end up on an episode of hoarders.

Why don't you tell her just to sweep the damn floor instead of having her running around doing all of this other stuff?

It all needs to get done.

You're going to wear her out and then she won't do anything at all for 3 weeks. You know how she shuts down. Her meds aren't strong enough for this. She will get overwhelmed and not do anything then she will feel like a failure. This isn't going to end well. Just tell her to sweep and maybe mop. Then let her rest for a while. Baby steps.

She seems to be doing well right now. I'm keeping her focused. Baby steps won't cut through this mess. Be quiet, let me work.

OK, the shredder is kind of smoking and smells funny I think I better let it rest. I'm supposed to use those shredder conditioning sheets after shredding for 30 minutes but I'm out. Maybe I should go to Wal-Mart and get some.

NO!

You don't have to yell. I just don't want to break the shredder although I might already have. I'm tired. I want to take a nap.

NO! You can do this.

Can I just sit down for a few minutes and rest. I promise not to get on the computer, read, watch TV, or nap.

You always promise and then you end up doing that stuff anyway. I won't allow it. Keep going. Where were you?

Standing at the smoking shredder wanting to take a nap and I'm hungry too.

Step away from the shredder and let's get you a small snack and then you can continue your work.

There's nothing to eat. Maybe I should go to Wal-Mart and get some groceries.

What kind of sadistic weirdo are you anyway? You hate Wal-Mart. Why do you keep insisting on going to Wal-Mart?

I don't know. I got confused and I'm still hungry.

Keep working.

I hate you.

I know you do but keep working.

Oh look, here's a Christmas card from the Smith's. I wonder if she has a Facebook account I would love to stay in touch with her. I wonder how old her kids are now. Maybe I will just check Facebook to...

NO! NO FACEBOOK! NO PINTEREST! WORK DAMMIT.

I HATE YOU! Oh crap, I just remembered that Amelia needs her athletic training shirt on Thursday. I better look through the laundry and find it. I'm not sure if she needs the green one or the other one. Guess I better do them both. Crap! There is already laundry in the washer and the dryer. (Turns on washer to wash clothes that are already in there - throws needed shirts in there too - turns dryer on to get the wrinkles out of the clothes that are in there. Completely forgets about it for a day and then has to repeat the process all over again.) I wonder if I ever filled out the warranty card for the new washing machine? Maybe I should get online to do that now.

You know my answer. No.

OK. The shredder has quit smoking I will shred the financial stuff, recycle junk, pay bills if needed, dust, sweep, mop. But what about all this clutter in here, and in all the bedrooms, and the kitchen? The whole house is such a mess I really don't know where to start. I can't do this.

Told you she was going to get overwhelmed. She's starting shut down mode. This looks like a bad one.

OK, maybe I will get her just to sweep.

I'm going to clean out the garage!

Whoa! Did not see that one coming.

Why are you going to clean out the garage? Why don't you just sweep?

Because, I have to do something with all this junk. I'm going to sort through it all and decide what needs to go to the Salvation Army, then I will need to move some of the stuff to the garage to keep until I can really go through it, for that I will need room in the garage, thus before I can sweep, mop, and dust I have to shred the financial stuff, recycle junk, pay bills if needed, clean out the closets, clean the garage to have room to store more stuff, then sweep, mop, and dust.

I don't think you are being very logical.

It makes sense to me.

Three hours later...

I'm tired and hungry and need a shower. I've got a huge mess in the garage so we won't be able to park in there for a while. I'm positive the shredder is broken. I'm too tired to sweep, dust, or mop. Once again, I've failed. I'm never going to be able to do this. Junk will just keep piling up. Dust will take over and we will all get sick. The floor will just get ickier. I'm just a huge failure. To add to that I'm not eating well or exercising. I'm a horrible person.

You should have just told her to sweep!

I know, why do I always think it will turn out differently?

Wishful thinking.

Let's Eat : Try Some New Things!

I may have mentioned that I don't do resolutions. And that's unlikely to change (can't take the pressure!). But I do like to cook things, so as the new year gets going I'm trying some new recipes as we get back on track after the holidays. I've gotten lazy about planning meals even though I know that having a plan is really an important key to getting food on the table every night. After the planning, then having good ingredients on hand is next, and I've slacked on my shopping too. Which is weird since I like shopping, in the right stores, and I like planning...but the holidays and a lack of a regular schedule got me all mixed up!

So here are a few of the new recipes I've tried so far this new year:

• Orange Shortbread Cookies (King Arthur recipe using candied orange peel, which I just happened to have on hand) -- yum! Keeper.
• Avocado "Hummus" (Giada recipe from her newest book) -- interesting. Stays green, in spite of having avocado in it. Needs a little more spice. I put hummus in quotes because it's made with white beans and no tahini, so not exactly hummus in my book. Once I perfect this one to my own taste, I may write about it again. It has potential.
• Whole Wheat Bread (recipe was in the comments of some blog I was reading...never to be found again) -- but that's okay, since it was an epic fail. it resembled a brick. Operator error, I think. Kids wouldn't even pick it up to try it. They actually looked frightened. Tried it again using a different recipe: Honey Whole Wheat Bread (via 100 Days of Real Food) -- better! At least I'll eat this one, even though the kids remain suspicious of all homemade bread. 
• Whole Grain Cranberry Muffins (found via Pinterest) -- another winner! Even Brett, who is The Most Difficult Kid to Please Ever With a Muffin (see related post) ate one every day until they were gone. Don't skip the glaze -- although it's easier to just mix OJ and powdered sugar than to follow the recipe there. Keeper.
• World's Best Chicken (found via Pinterest) -- and while the jury is out on world's best, it has mustard, and the kids ate it. Wow...that's a first! Super-easy and I had all the ingredients (there are not many).
• Nutella Cookies (another Pin) -- few ingredients, and it cleared out our Nutella supply, but these went together quickly and everyone liked them. I used white whole wheat flour and added a little coconut oil to help bind the dough. I'll repeat these if I'm ever willing to run out of Nutella again...

As I wait for my energy to rev back up for even more new recipes (and for a good time to grocery-shop my favorite stores), we'll keep cleaning out leftovers and bits of holiday remnants (a lot of which is chocolate, so how bad could that be?). I'll probably keep collecting more recipes, too, since they're everywhere I look.

I've got a couple of new cookbooks to keep me company and so I'm planning for some nice healthy things to come of it. Like this one, which was a new recipe for us last year and which has become one of our favorites. At least it has for the adults in the house and everywhere I've taken it...why not try it out yourself for 2014?

Farro Salad (I'm not reprinting the recipe here because this link shows it so nicely!) -- The Farro is good and chewy (I like to use Trader Joe's 10-minute farro, but I've also used the pouch of pre-cooked from Target), while the vegetables are crunchy and it's all got a warm dressing poured over the top made from sautéed onions, olive oil and balsamic vinegar. How would you possibly go wrong with that? And it's pretty enough for a pot luck!

 

 

As one of the TV chefs used to say (I think it was Jacques Pepin), "Happy Cooking!" Or in his case it was more like "Appy Cuking" -- ha.

What's Everybody Doing?

There's a kid at school whose parents I'd like to meet.
This youngster is causing all sorts of unrest around our house.
His name? Everybody. I've heard more about him than I care to know.
Maybe your kids know him?

Entertainment and Electronics (the most important topic for tween boys):

• Everybody has a television in his bedroom.
• Everybody has a DS, and he even sneaks it to school in his backpack.
• Everybody plays video games after school, all he wants.
• Everybody's read The Hunger Games. He has seen the movies, too.
• Everybody plays Call of Duty and other M-rated games.
• Everybody has his own cell phone. With a data plan.
• Everybody's seen Ted.

Other:

• Everybody gets flaming hot Cheetos, every day, in the cafeteria. If he doesn't have those, he brings in a big bag of Takis.
• Everybody throws away the school-lunch vegetables.
• Everybody rides in the front seat.
• Everybody drinks soft drinks for breakfast.
• Everybody says "those" words.
• Everybody cuts the corners when he's running laps.
• Everybody wears shorts to school when it's 40 degrees outside.

If you haven't guessed, I hear about these because Everybody's life is so much better and cooler than ours. I've resisted asking the clichéd Mom question -- "if Everybody jumped off a cliff..." because I don't really want to hear the answer. 

My kids are just 10. They're too young to fully understand the reasons why we don't do the same things Everybody does. So I get the enviable role of making many unpopular decisions around here, like not stocking blue Gatorade or soft drinks in the fridge. Like blocking content on the TV and computers, and limiting screen time. Enforcing chore time before the fun stuff. Insisting that there's no SpongeBob on the weekends (that's a personal thing -- I can't stand the sound of it!). These are the kinds of rules that unlimited-do-what-you-want Everybody doesn't have. Don't get me wrong -- we don't live some kind of sequestered, deprived existence. Just everything in moderation, and in its own time.

Why not just ease up and follow Everybody's lead? Part of it, I think, is that while some of these are (in my opinion anyway) basically unhealthy choices, others represent adult activities that distract from being a kid. If you've already seen the R-rated movies and played the M-rated games as a young child, what will you find amusing as you grow older and become an adult? If you're tied to a screen during all of your free time, how will you learn to play soccer? If you don't learn healthy eating habits as a youngster, won't it be twice as hard to learn them later? As someone who has been an adult for a loooong time, I feel qualified to say that there is plenty of time for the grown-up stuff...and not nearly long enough to just be a kid.

As I recall, when I was a kid Everybody was in school with me too. But it seems like that child was a lot more harmless, back then. Everybody wore Calvin Klein jeans and she had a phone in her room. I think that was it.

I think I prefer another kid I've heard about, Nobody. Nobody wears a coat on cold days. Nobody loves vegetables. Nobody sings in music class. Nobody does the extra credit assignment. Yes, that's my kind of young person!

The boys go back to school this week after a long winter break away from Everybody. Gee, I can't wait to find out what he got for Christmas. And what he saw...and played.