The employee checking me in was a young man probably in his 20's. I sat down and the questions began.
Why are you here today?
I had a hysterectomy last week and something isn't right so my doctor said to come to the ER.
When was your last menstrual cycle?
I don't know, but I can assure you it's not relevant to this particular problem and I'm about to pass out.
Are you on your period now?
Are you on your period now?
No, I'm hemorrhaging and can feel my life blood slipping away but I'm not currently on my period nor will I ever be again. I'm gonna sit on the floor now so I don't get a concussion when I pass out.
Is there any chance that you're pregnant?
Oh honey, bless your heart. I've got an idea, if you run across a question that you wouldn't ask a man skip it because for real I'm about to drop right here in this lobby. Get the stretcher and a crash cart ready.
For the record, I DID pass out but was fortunate to already be in a bed. When you're hooked up to a bunch of monitors and your heart rate plummets they RUSH to your bedside and you don't have to answer any more questions, THEN you can brag about no periods.
I have a great number of health issues and therefore have several doctors. This means that frequently I have to complete health information that I cannot possibly remember. It goes something like this.
Please list any previous surgeries and when they were performed.
Tonsillectomy - when I was a kid
Appendectomy - in the 80's
Hysterectomy - in the 90's
Some knee surgeries maybe in the 90's but most likely the 2000's.
My friend Beth helps me piece together the memories of my life from the 70's and 80's but even she can't keep up with all my health issues. So this is what happened yesterday when I went to the doctor. I was there to see the nurse practitioner and I have always had great luck with nurse practitioners. He was extremely nice, very personable but we had a few snags in our conversation. It went mostly like this.
How long have you had these particular symptoms?
I don't know, a few months maybe.
A few months!!! Why didn't you come in sooner?
I don't know, didn't feel like it I guess.
Well, that's terrible, you should come see us when you're sick, don't wait so long next time.
OK.
Looking at your chart I
What chart?
Your medical chart.
Oh, OK.
I see that you were hospitalized in 2007 with pancreatitis, are your current symptoms similar to those in 2007?
You're kidding me, right? I have a vague memory of pancreatitis, that was nasty stuff, but until you mentioned it I couldn't have told you within a couple of years either way when I had it. Beth might remember but I don't. I suffer from memory issues.
Who's Beth?
A very dear friend that I've known since I was 16.
Why would Beth know?
She helps keep track of my life, there was a gap of time when I moved to Richardson that I wasn't under her wing though so 2007 might have slipped through the cracks.
Ask me about 2006 though! I almost had a heart attack in 2006!
What? I don't see that in your chart!
What chart?
Your medical chart.
Why would it be in my medical chart?
Didn't you say you almost had a heart attack?
Yes. The Mavs were leading the series 2-0 and then inexplicably imploded and lost the next 4 to the Heat. I hate the Heat. I hated them before Lebron and that Velociraptor Bosch joined the team then once they joined up, yikes, my hate runs deep for the Heat.
Are you talking about basketball?
Yes. What did you think I was talking about?
Your health.
I was. That series really hurt my heart. I've never recovered but ask me about 2011! Go ahead, ask...I went stark raving crazy in 2011.
I don't see any mental health issues on the chart for 2011.
Chart?
Your medical chart.
Why would it be on my medical chart? Anyway, in June of 2011, we won it all. We beat the Heat! Wade, Lebron, and Bosch (he really does look like a velociraptor.) I went crazy! Alas, the Rangers lost to the Cardinals in the World Series, that kind of sucked, but Dirk and the Mavs! Whoo boy!
Basketball and Baseball?
Yes. Obviously.
Let's get back to your chart, your medical chart. What can you tell me about your hospital stay in 2007?
I've got nothing. Too late for Beth and too early for Tracy.
Who's Tracy?
She took over for Beth but I didn't know Tracy when I moved to Richardson that's why there are gaps in my history.
That doesn't bother you?
Hell yes it bothers me, I would have loved to have a seamless transition from Beth to Tracy but I didn't know Tracy yet.
Have you thought of keeping track of it yourself? You do seem to have a keen memory for sports, maybe you could parlay that into remembering your health issues.
Parlay? Argghh (that's pirate talk.) I made a notebook once with all of my doctors in it and lab results and stuff. I even had business card holders, tabs, it was cool.
That would be excellent, why didn't you bring it today?
I don't know where it is.
Perhaps your husband could accompany you during your visits so you have someone else with you that can remember important information regarding your health.
Not a bad idea, I will have to ask Tracy when Paul might be available.
The clinician in me is SCREAMING to stop asking questions but the rest of me realizes what a tremendous train wreck this is and can't stop myself. Why do you need to ask Tracy about your husband's schedule?
Well, he emails his schedule to me (and Tracy) but sometimes I go a day or 2 without checking my email and then I end up with hundreds of emails and it overwhelms me so I delete all of them and start over. Occasionally, one of his emails might get deleted and then I won't know he's out of town until I get hungry.
I'm sorry...did you say you don't notice he's not home until you get hungry?
Yes, he's the cook so when I get hungry at night and he's not home I know he's either running late or out of town. After I've been hungry for a while I call Tracy.
Why don't you call him?
Oh, he never answers his phone.
I see. Well, since you waited a while to come in to see us I don't suppose it would hurt to wait a few days more so why don't we go out and make an appointment with the doctor. I'll warn her, I mean I will tell her, I'll just make a note in your chart that you stopped in.
What chart?
I don't know, a few months maybe.
A few months!!! Why didn't you come in sooner?
I don't know, didn't feel like it I guess.
Well, that's terrible, you should come see us when you're sick, don't wait so long next time.
OK.
Looking at your chart I
What chart?
Your medical chart.
Oh, OK.
I see that you were hospitalized in 2007 with pancreatitis, are your current symptoms similar to those in 2007?
You're kidding me, right? I have a vague memory of pancreatitis, that was nasty stuff, but until you mentioned it I couldn't have told you within a couple of years either way when I had it. Beth might remember but I don't. I suffer from memory issues.
Who's Beth?
A very dear friend that I've known since I was 16.
Why would Beth know?
She helps keep track of my life, there was a gap of time when I moved to Richardson that I wasn't under her wing though so 2007 might have slipped through the cracks.
Ask me about 2006 though! I almost had a heart attack in 2006!
What? I don't see that in your chart!
What chart?
Your medical chart.
Why would it be in my medical chart?
Didn't you say you almost had a heart attack?
Yes. The Mavs were leading the series 2-0 and then inexplicably imploded and lost the next 4 to the Heat. I hate the Heat. I hated them before Lebron and that Velociraptor Bosch joined the team then once they joined up, yikes, my hate runs deep for the Heat.
Are you talking about basketball?
Yes. What did you think I was talking about?
Your health.
I was. That series really hurt my heart. I've never recovered but ask me about 2011! Go ahead, ask...I went stark raving crazy in 2011.
I don't see any mental health issues on the chart for 2011.
Chart?
Your medical chart.
Why would it be on my medical chart? Anyway, in June of 2011, we won it all. We beat the Heat! Wade, Lebron, and Bosch (he really does look like a velociraptor.) I went crazy! Alas, the Rangers lost to the Cardinals in the World Series, that kind of sucked, but Dirk and the Mavs! Whoo boy!
Basketball and Baseball?
Yes. Obviously.
Let's get back to your chart, your medical chart. What can you tell me about your hospital stay in 2007?
I've got nothing. Too late for Beth and too early for Tracy.
Who's Tracy?
She took over for Beth but I didn't know Tracy when I moved to Richardson that's why there are gaps in my history.
That doesn't bother you?
Hell yes it bothers me, I would have loved to have a seamless transition from Beth to Tracy but I didn't know Tracy yet.
Have you thought of keeping track of it yourself? You do seem to have a keen memory for sports, maybe you could parlay that into remembering your health issues.
Parlay? Argghh (that's pirate talk.) I made a notebook once with all of my doctors in it and lab results and stuff. I even had business card holders, tabs, it was cool.
That would be excellent, why didn't you bring it today?
I don't know where it is.
Perhaps your husband could accompany you during your visits so you have someone else with you that can remember important information regarding your health.
Not a bad idea, I will have to ask Tracy when Paul might be available.
The clinician in me is SCREAMING to stop asking questions but the rest of me realizes what a tremendous train wreck this is and can't stop myself. Why do you need to ask Tracy about your husband's schedule?
Well, he emails his schedule to me (and Tracy) but sometimes I go a day or 2 without checking my email and then I end up with hundreds of emails and it overwhelms me so I delete all of them and start over. Occasionally, one of his emails might get deleted and then I won't know he's out of town until I get hungry.
I'm sorry...did you say you don't notice he's not home until you get hungry?
Yes, he's the cook so when I get hungry at night and he's not home I know he's either running late or out of town. After I've been hungry for a while I call Tracy.
Why don't you call him?
Oh, he never answers his phone.
I see. Well, since you waited a while to come in to see us I don't suppose it would hurt to wait a few days more so why don't we go out and make an appointment with the doctor. I'll warn her, I mean I will tell her, I'll just make a note in your chart that you stopped in.
What chart?
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