I'm at Tom Thumb in the "express lane" and there is a woman with 4 children at the checkout counter with 22 items (yes, I will have time to count them.) She's just 2 over the limit so this won't really bother me that much. One of her children is in a carrier in the basket. Two are riding along in one of those carts that look so cool before you have kids and actually use one. Those carts are huge and they don't turn. Yes, they have wheels but they don't actually work. I found this out the first time I used one and took out an end cap filled with toilet paper. You have to back those things up and angle them in just such a way so you can "turn." After the first cart ride I realized that the kids could not go grocery shopping with me until they were 13 and couldn't fit in one because I was never going to use one of those things again. Back to the ladies kids, the last one was just standing there eating boogers and sticking his tongue out at me.
 |
| Getcha a good one! |
Directly in front of me is a young man with his ball cap crooked and his pants way down below his butt crack. This is a "fashion" trend that has baffled me. It looks so ridiculous.
Meanwhile back at the register the lady realizes that each kid has a box of chocolate milk and some candy (great idea by the way - sugaring them up.) Well, the baby just has some of that baby food they can just suck straight out of the package. This means that she actually has 29 items and she is trying to get these items from the kids so she can pay for them. The kids don't want to hand over the goods so a polite conversation ensues where Mom tries to reason with the kids so they will gladly hand over their milk and candy. After 4 kids you would think she would realize that this doesn't work. This would never have happened with me. When I went grocery shopping with Mom and we bought some special treat I couldn't have it until I got home. If I fussed about it - guess what? It stayed on the shelf. So she continues to reason. She is finally able to wrest it from booger boy and since the kids all have the same thing the cashier smartly rings all of them up by using just what booger boy has. Then it happens. She says she has a coupon. Dear Lord let it already be in her hand. Nope. It's not. Booger boy is still sticking his tongue out at me and it takes all I have not to return the gesture (or teach him a new one.) She begins to dig in her ginormous purse/diaper bag. The baby begins to wail and the 2 kids in the cart from hell start to fight. Mean thoughts are running through my head. Couldn't she have shopped at night and had her husband watch the kids? Any friends or family that could stay with them? How about dropping them off at the fire station? I punish myself for these thoughts realizing I'm going to be on the bullet train to hell I try to calm myself and think good, Christian thoughts. I only have 3 items. One that I absolutely have to have - well 2 if you count Blue Bell as a must have and of course it is. If not for this I would just leave but I can't. She begins to empty the ginormous bag. Out comes Cheerios, diaper wipes, diapers, a dirty diaper, Kleenex, a peppermint covered in lint. The 2 kids in the cart fight over the mint. Mom in a sickening sweet voice says, "Now boys, you know we can't cut that mint in half so please stop arguing or you won't be able to play with your ecologically and politically correct toys when you get home." Give it to me, my stare alone could cut that thing in two. Out comes a hair brush that hasn't been cleaned in a while, french fries?, car keys both real and pretend. Finally, she finds the coupon. It's for 25 cents. Oh boy, it's triple coupon time so she just saved 75 cents! I would have given her a dollar just to get the hell out of my way! Booger boy sticks his tongue out at me again and I just couldn't help it, I just snapped. My last nerve was severed and I just snapped.
I tap the man in front of me on the shoulder and proceed to tell him how ridiculous he looks. I scream at him to turn his cap around and pull his pants up. He doesn't so right there in front of God and everybody I pull them down as I exclaim, "You are not a gangster, gangsters don't buy tampons, juicy fruit, and a loaf of bread!"
During my one phone call to Paul I say, "Darling I love you but I just snapped."
In this next scenario I'm already "in a mood" and I am driving on one of the major streets near my house - Belt Line Road. I have woken up in this mood and I'm not sure why. I'm a woman, it just happens sometimes. I'm in various stages of menopause. Just when I think the hot flashes and night sweats are over BAM! I'm hit again. So, this is probably the reason I'm "in a mood." Belt Line has been under construction for a long time. Just when you figure out which lane will be closed ahead they change it. I guess that's good because it means they are making progress. Still, it's inconvenient especially when jerk drivers don't let you over. So, here's how it goes. I see the first sign - ROAD WORK AHEAD. Then the next one, RIGHT LANE CLOSED. I make my way over to the left to get past the construction. Then I see END ROAD WORK. In about 2 miles I see the ROAD WORK AHEAD sign again and the next sign also says RIGHT LANE CLOSED except that it isn't. The orange pylons are just up on the side of the road but the lane isn't closed. So, I've just changed lanes for no reason. Then we see END ROAD WORK. The next sign, DETOUR AHEAD. Well, that's charming, except there isn't a detour. WTH? But, then it happens. I see ROAD WORK AHEAD and then the next sign is VARIOUS LANES CLOSED. What? WHAT THE HELL? Do they not have a schedule for these things? What do they do, get to the construction site and not know which lane they will be working on? Even if they are working on more than one lane they usually have that sticky thing they can put on the sign that says 2 right lanes closed ahead. Even if that is technically not correct it does give us a heads up on what lies ahead. I can clearly see that the right lane is closed so why isn't there a RIGHT LANE CLOSED sign up? That's it. I PARK MY CAR. I put my flashers on. I get out of my car and head over to the Flag man in my I'M IN VARIOUS STAGES OF MENOPAUSE shirt on and ask him what the problem is.(OK, I don't really have one of those shirts but maybe I should. It would be a good warning for people, especially Paul.) Did you run out of RIGHT LANE CLOSED signs? If you did, I just passed one that was a lie. Can't you go get that one? Have budget cuts caused you to not have enough signs? Is it possible for taxpayers to maybe sponsor a sign? Perhaps, this RIGHT LANE CLOSED sign brought to you by the Latham family? This isn't difficult. It's either going to be the LEFT, CENTER, OR RIGHT lane closed. At no time should VARIOUS lanes be closed. You damn well should know which ones you are going to close and I am not moving my car until you take that sign down and put up the correct one. People are probably honking and screaming at me but I'm too focused to hear or to care. It's possible I do hear a siren or two.
I get my one phone call and I place it to the City Manager. What can I say? I just snapped.
No comments:
Post a Comment