Mammary all alone in the moonlight...from Cats the musical - kind of

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the mammary
Of my boob in the press
If you touch me
You'll understand what misery is 

Look
A new pain has begun

Since it is Breast Cancer Awareness month I thought I would follow Beth's boob babble to encourage everyone to get their mammogram. If I did this right this link should take you to her post if you haven't read it yet. http://realfriendsrealfoodreallife.blogspot.com/2013/10/its-october.html

THE MAMMOGRAM

Ah, the mammogram...nothing quite like it. I remember women telling me that it hurt... a lot. Eh, pain and I are very intimate - I can handle it. Really, how bad can it be?

So, I get there and change into the lovely hospital gown. Why you wear a gown is beyond me. I guess they think it preserves some of your modesty. No. Not really because in mere moments your gown will be most of the way off and your boob will be served up on a platter.

The technician physically takes your boob and ever so gently places it on the press. Then she adjusts the boob on the press until she's satisfied that it is in the right place. Then she hits the crank. Your boob is now in a vice. Here's how the conversation goes from there:

Tech: OK, you are going to feel some discomfort.

Me: I'm already feeling discomfort so I think we're good.

Tech now working the crank again.

Me in my head (MIMH): Oh my gawd, Oh my gawd, Oh my gawd,Oh my gawd!

Tech: OK, almost there, a few more cranks should do it.

MIMH: A few more cranks and you will have my lung in the press.

Tech: OK, I'm going to take the image now. I need you to hold your breath and don't move.

MIMH: If I moved which clearly I can't do, my boob will tear off.

A side note: In medieval times they had an instrument of torture called the breast ripper. I believe the device used today for mammograms was based on this instrument. Look it up, I'm sure I'm almost right about that.

Tech takes the image and then magically releases the press.

I cannot describe the sheer bliss that overcomes you when she releases that press. But then it hits you, "Oh my gawd I have 2 boobs!"

Tech: OK, we need to get another angle.

Me: We what?

Tech: Yes, we need another image but from a different angle.

MIMH: Of course we do.

Tech has you go through several contortions and then gently places boob on the ripper, I mean plate. Why she is being gentle, I don't know.

Tech: You will feel some discomfort.

MIMH: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Discomfort: an inconvenience, distress, or mild pain. She is definitely not using the proper word. Inconceivable!

Tech cranks, and cranks, and cranks, and cranks. Breathing becomes difficult. Tech takes image.

MIMH: "Oh my gawd I have 2 boobs!"

Me: You know, my boobs are practically similar - I think just the one should be sufficient.

Apparently not.

Tech: OK, let me just look at these images to make sure they turned out right and then you can go.

Me; What? They might not have turned out? Should I have smiled? Please, please, please tell me they are OK.

Tech: We're good! See you next year!

So, the moral of the story: Mammograms are a bitch but breast cancer is worse. Git 'er done! Or should I say, "Git 'em done!"

Let's Eat : Hummingbird Cake

This is the first in a planned series of "Let's Eat" posts. Cooking is the hobby I get to do most often (usually daily) and I'd like to share some of my favorite recipes, where they came from and why I like them. I hope you'll try them yourself!

 

Sometimes the old tried-and-true recipes are just the best. There's a reason why they keep getting published in magazines and served over and over at family events. This is one of those recipes, and it's absolutely delicious -- fortunately, it's not hard to make and uses common ingredients. Southern Living magazine first published this recipe in 1978.

 

I baked a Hummingbird Cake last weekend for my Dad's birthday celebration, and everyone loved it. There's cinnamon, bananas, and pineapple (don't worry, no actual hummingbirds are harmed in the baking of this dessert), baked in three layers and covered in a simple cream-cheese frosting. 
 

Not fancy, but who cares?

Why is it called Hummingbird Cake? I have no idea, and apparently neither does anyone else (googling brought up a lot of non-answers). No matter; it's a charming name and the cake is absolutely worth making, for a special occasion or for the special people in your life! 



My dad is trying to sneak the first bite...busted!!



Hummingbird Cake (from Southern Living magazine, and there's a printable version online at MyRecipes.com -- my own comments are in blue)

Ingredients:

· 3 cups all-purpose flour [I subbed 1 cup white whole wheat for 1 cup AP]

· 1 teaspoon baking soda

· 1 teaspoon [kosher] salt

· 2 cups sugar

· 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

· 3 large eggs, beaten

· 1 cup vegetable oil [I used canola]

· 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

· 1 (8-ounce) can crushed pineapple, undrained

· 1 cup chopped pecans

· 2 cups chopped bananas 

· 1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened [I used light cream cheese]

· 1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened

· 1 (16-ounce) package powdered sugar, sifted

· 1 teaspoon vanilla extract [or vanilla bean paste, if you have it!]

· 1/2 cup [coarsely] chopped pecans 

Directions:

1.    Combine first 5 ingredients in a large bowl; add eggs and oil, stirring [by hand] just until dry ingredients are moistened. Stir in vanilla, pineapple, 1 cup pecans, and bananas.

2.    Pour batter into three greased and floured 9-inch round cake pans. Bake at 350° for 25 to 30 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in pans on wire racks 10 minutes; remove from pans, and cool completely on wire racks.

3.    Beat cream cheese and butter at medium speed with an electric mixer until smooth. Gradually add powdered sugar, beating at low speed until light and fluffy. Stir in vanilla.

4.    Spread Cream Cheese Frosting between layers and on top and sides of cake; sprinkle 1/2 cup chopped pecans on top. Store in refrigerator.

 

[Note: If you're not into frosting cakes, this can also be baked as a bundt cake, and you'll find that recipe -- with cream cheese glaze -- on myrecipes.com. I haven't tried it as cupcakes, but that should work too, just baked for a shorter time.]

 

 Now that I think of it, there's one last piece in the back of the fridge...

and I hear it calling my name.

 

 

It's October...

“I always notice boobs.”  This is what I heard my mom say when I entered the room where she and Sarah were talking and looking at pictures on the computer.  

Weird.

Mom apparently looks at everyone’s boobs.  I confess...I am like my mother.

I don’t try to look at boobs.  They’re just always there.  Maybe it’s because I’m short.  Pretty much boob level for average height women.

Really, how do you not notice boobs?  Working as a grocery cashier, they’re everywhere.  Scanning groceries for a female customer, one glance up…BOOM..there they are!  They hang over the counter.  Women are pulling their wallets, phones and keys from their bras.  With the clothes so many wear now the ta-tas are on display for all to see.  We make fun of plumbers who let their ‘cleavage’ show, but women can let it all hang out all the time.  Ladies, let’s be honest…there are some puppies out there that really need to be, at least partially, covered!  Oh, my goodness, the cups that overflow!

Speaking of…bras.  Yuck!  The first thing I do when I’m home for the evening is yank off the bra, letting the girls go free.  What a wonderful time of day!  There are almost as many bra types as there are names for our boobies.  Demi bras, push-ups, t-shirt bras, sports bras, barely there bras, and the “this is the shape I wish my boobs were and you will never be able to touch them” bras. 

When I was a teenager I worked around warehousemen who were 17-25 years old.  I thought I’d heard every word for boobs there was.  Then I got married and my husband taught me many, many more.  Well…I had no idea until I did a quick search for this article how many synonyms there are for boobs.  Some are not print worthy.

Assets, Balloons,  Bahamma Mammas,  Bazookas, Bazooms, Beamers, Blinkers, Boulders, Bust

Ahh…glorious, magical boobs.  They can make guys (and many chicks) do whatever the bearer of them wishes.  Bosoms bring great power to those who possess them.  How many of you can honestly say that you have never used them to get something you want?

Cans, Cannons, Cones, Doorknobs, Floppers, Gazonkas, Gadoinkas, Hooters, Honkers, Jugs, Knockers

Women are the classier of the species.  I’m sure we can all agree on that.  We tend to refer to our boobs as something nice like “the girls.”  We may have chi-chis, twins or ta-tas.  If we’re lucky, we have bodacious ta-tas. 

Men like boobs.  Two of their other favorite things are food and cars.  Therefore we have boobs that are called melons, lady apples, cupcakes, marshmallows, mounds, and whoppers. There are also Cadillac bumpers, headlights, high beams, beamers, blinkers, and winnebagoes.

My chi-chis have gone through many stages in my life.  First, I had the perky ‘look at me. I defy gravity’ bust line.  Then they were great, as long as I held my hands high above my head.  Alas, now I need the heavy lifter bras to put them back where they were originally.  I guess later I’ll be able to just roll them up and place them in a bra that is the shape I desire.

Mountains, Perkies, Pillows, Pair, Rack, Rolling Hills, Torpedoes, Towel Rack

Boobs are as diverse as the women who have them.  There are small ones that forced us to form “itty bitty tittie committees.”  Then there are the jumbo sized breasts.  They would charge triple for these at KFC!  I’d much rather be a member of the IBTC than to have people exclaim, “My. What big knockers you have!”  Maybe that’s just how I want to feel about my little darlins’.

My point, point point is…it’s October.  We all know that breast cancer awareness is crucial.  So, perk up your pumpkins!  Get your mammogram and keep those girls healthy!

Confessions of a former bully

I can remember leaving the hospital with our first child Katy. I looked at her and thought, I have no idea what I'm doing. We were her whole world. She was completely dependent on us for survival. You need a license to drive and to hunt but not for parenting. They let anyone be parents but unfortunately not everyone should be a parent.

Recently a beautiful young girl just days shy of her 13th birthday jumped to her death at an old cement plant. She had been bullied relentlessly through social media. Girls kept telling her to kill herself and she finally did. Her mom had done all she could. She reported it to the school,the police, and she even changed schools. Social media follows you everywhere. One of the bullies has shown absolutely no remorse. It's no surprise that her step-mother is a bully herself. I cannot imagine what that poor child was thinking when she climbed to the top of the platform.She didn't have any hope and could not bear her future. When you are a teenager - everything is a big deal. As adults we can say, "This too shall pass" but a child can't see that far into the future. They can't see that it will get better.

I don't think these anti bullying campaigns are working. It doesn't reach the right audience. Parents must be the ones that stop this. The schools can help but they can only do so much. When our girls were allowed to get email and Facebook accounts they had to give us their passwords and they had to be friends with us on Facebook (much to their embarrassment.) We told them at any time we could get on their email account and check what they were sending and receiving. We never did because we trusted them.

When I was in junior high my favorite class was PE. I loved it! My favorite thing to do was play dodgeball. I showed absolutely no mercy. I can remember actually knocking girls down while playing. I can also remember yelling, "get up you big sissy!" There also was a girl (I don't remember her name) but she had a lisp. I made fun of her a lot. I called her a big sissy too but said it with a lisp. To this day I am ashamed of myself for being so horrible.I was a good kid - but that was a terrible and inexcusable thing to do. I can't imagine how this must have made her feel. However, if my parents knew that I was doing this I would have been in big trouble. I definitely would have had to apologize to the girl and her parents and my parents probably would have grounded me. I most likely would have to sit out dodgeball and get zeroes for the day. I also would have gotten the, "I'm disappointed in you" speech. That would have cured me right away.

The parents have to be the ones that stop this. Parents that are committed to raising good children. Children that don't bully other children and parents that don't bully their children. The solution may be to hold the parents responsible for these deaths and send them to jail. That is what the Sheriff in this latest suicide case is trying to do. Maybe when people see that they could go to jail for things their children are doing they will monitor their online activities and pay more attention to them. Maybe they will actually parent their children. I hope and pray that is true.

Road Work Ahead

There are times when I think I'm crazy, and times when I'm reasonably sure it's the rest of the world. And I really think someone was completely crazy when they made the clever decision to tear up so many of the major roadways in the DFW area all at the same time. It’s about time I publicly complained about it.

If you've spent any time at all on Airport Freeway/183 in the mid-cities then you know what I’m talking about. The destruction there is massive. Congested traffic is a chronic condition. The landmarks are gone. Gigantic overheads appear out of nowhere and loom over the commute. The sense of disorientation can be completely overwhelming – where am I, and how far away is my exit? 

I don’t drive 183 every day, but usually 2 or 3 times a week, and the routing is slightly different each time. It's like an obstacle course. Or a funhouse minus the creepy clowns (and the fun). There's no telling where the exits will be and what kind of curves (literally) will be thrown in. You have no way of predicting how long the trip will take – sometimes the traffic runs smoothly, and other times it creeps along, with plenty of time to gaze longingly at the nearly-finished additional lanes just on the other side of those concrete barriers.  

And I can’t help but wonder how many of those concrete barriers there are. Both here, and as a ratio compared to all of them in the world. Same with the orange barrels. I’ve thought about counting these things, but right when I get a great idea to help pass the time, the traffic loosens up and I have to drive again.



There must be a zillion of these? Two zillion, maybe.


Someone is trying to give us advance warning of closed exits and detours by using those flashing light-up signs. Bless their hearts. The trouble with those is they change too slowly if you’re driving fast (so that you get only part of the message) or sometimes too fast to read it all. They’re full of odd abbreviations and weird punctuation, so I’m completely distracted. Last week I saw “clearance” with a hyphen to split it after “cle” – I don’t believe I’ve seen that one anywhere else!

Of course, businesses all along the highway’s access roads have been affected. For a while I was noticing a number of optimistic banners proclaiming “We’re Open!!” “We Aren’t Going Anywhere!” and the extremely hopeful “Now Leasing.” Now I’ve noticed some of those have given up. Others have improved their situation and either moved or built new facilities. I work in an office building that used to have a parking area between it and the frontage road. Not any more – the whole front section is gone. For a while we had a big dirt mountain out front, and we all gave up washing our cars because it was pointless. This week I got to my office to find an entirely new driveway into the parking lot.

Another side effect of such extensive road work is the plethora of single-lane access roads running alongside the highway. Sure, they’re fun with their twists and turns (and more concrete barriers) but you just can’t enjoy that when you’re behind giant crawling construction equipment ALL THE TIME. These machines make roads – can’t they have their own lanes in all this mess?

If we trust, why stay so far back?

There is hope where there are gigantic road projects: last week I was in Grapevine, headed to the historic downtown for the farmers market. There's been a ton of construction up there, too, on 121, and it's an amazing (and much-needed) transformation. I still don't know how to get everywhere, but I love the new Main St. exit which took me directly where I wanted to be, without the traffic that used to be at the William D Tate exit.

Perhaps one day I’ll feel that way about 183 too! But for now I need to remember that my usual exit will close next week, for two months (ugh), and I will need to take an extra measure of patience with me when I drive to work. I read that on a flashing sign. Took me two different days to piece that message together…

Hey, I can see you!

What is it about driving a car that makes people do things they would never do in person? I mean, you wouldn’t really pick your nose right in front of me would you? That’s disgusting but how often have you seen people do that? I always wonder what they’re going to do with the booger once they’ve snagged it. Hello, I can see you!

How about throwing trash out the window or cutting someone off in traffic, honking incessantly, flipping the bird, name calling, riding the bumper of the person in front of you?

Let’s put this in a different context. You are grocery shopping. Suddenly you see someone heading for the same register as you do you run to the register and cut right in front of the person so you can be first? If you don’t make it do you then push

your cart right up to where you are almost touching them? When the person in front of them moves do you scream, “MOVE!” immediately? If there are several people in front (you must be at Wal-Mart) do you just continually start yelling at people to move when you can obviously see that they have nowhere to go? And if you are at Wal-Mart the people in front of you are probably training the new Wal-Mart associate. If you answered yes to any of these questions you really are a piece of work.

How about having dinner at a friend’s house? If you answered yes to any of the above questions you probably don’t have any friends but let’s continue. During dinner do you pick your nose? When dinner is over (which should be soon if you’re digging for gold) do you flip the person off and say hey Mother…see ya later? When you are finished eating do you just drop your plate on the floor?

Again, I hope the answer is no to these scenarios as well. I think the rule of thumb should be if it is an action you would be embarrassed to do in person – don’t do it in your car. Just a little side note here, if you have been traveling down the highway for some time with your significant other don’t reach over and pull one of their ear hairs out of their ear even if it’s been bothering you for 30 miles. It startles them.

AND

DO.NOT.HONK.AT.ME! There are only a few times when this is appropriate.

1. If I am about to run into you then please lay down on that sucker.
2. If I have entered what appears to be a fugue-like state a slight tap on the horn should pull me out of it.

If you make the bad decision to honk at me when the light immediately turns green know that this awakens a primal part of my brain. When you pass me I will catch up to you at the light (because that’s just the way it goes) don’t look at me because I promise you will spontaneously combust. Then people will honk at you, flip you off, call you names, and throw trash on you.

You Really Are What You Eat

Food is important. And as with most important things, there are rules. It would be easy if there was just one set that everyone agreed on…but there are a lot of conflicting interests shouting at us, and it can be confusing. Most dangerous are the ones trying to get us to buy “healthy” processed foods, with prominent nutrition labels (hint: the healthiest stuff doesn’t have those). I wanted to know more about the food we eat, and I started reading and watching everything I could find to help me understand.

There’s a great little book called Food Rules by Michael Pollan that I highly recommend.  I like this guy—he makes a lot of sense. And he says great things, like “Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much.” In this book he gives us 64 easy-to-understand food rules, including:

• “Pay more, eat less.” You get what you pay for, and I don’t want cheap food. If it's really good stuff, you don't need to eat as much of it.
• “Eat all the junk food you want, as long as you make it yourself.” The idea is that if it’s harder to get, you’ll naturally eat it less often.
• “Have a glass of wine with dinner.” - one of my favorites. Not all of the rules are hard to live by!

I appreciate what Jamie Oliver has been doing. Did anyone besides me watch his Food Revolution show? I thought it was a fascinating commentary on eating in America, even if they did manage to find the most hard-headed, impossible Americans to illustrate that. If you don’t have any idea what I'm talking about, you can learn more here. These food rules, which I picked up from Jamie Oliver, hang in my pantry:

1.    Cook at home

2.    Avoid packaged foods

3.    Avoid too much refined sugar

4.    Trade refined grains for whole grains

5.    Eat lots of fruits and vegetables

6.    Teach my kids to cook and use many different ingredients

7.    Read labels and reject what I don’t understand

8.    Choose food grown and raised close to home

9.    Try new foods

I have a harder time with #8 than the others, because I’ll just never be a complete locavore. Pineapple, mangoes and bananas are simply too good to live without. But I do try to buy from farmers markets whenever I can, and find out where and how the food was grown. #3 is hard, but "too much" is vague enough that I can work with it.

Does your family have its own list of specialized rules? I made this list from some of the crazy food requests I get. Since it’s put together from several peoples’ preferences, there are naturally some contradictions…

Never, under any circumstances, eat the end of a banana.

For that matter, edges/crusts of bread are no good.

The end of a meat loaf is not that good either. (I totally disagree!)

Chocolate chips are fine in cookies, but never in pancakes.

Chocolate chip pancakes are the only ones worth eating.

Chocolate chips belong in cookies. With coffee, the perfect breakfast.

Don't even consider toasting a bagel.

Toast the bagel only if it’s been in the fridge.

Bagels should always be toasted.

Bagels must be plain white, with plain white cream cheese.

Only whole wheat bagels with crunchy peanut butter.

I’ll take the cranberry bagel with fancy cream cheese.

Pizza shall never be served without wings.

Cheese pizza, and it cannot be served without Ranch dressing.

Pizza must have vegetables. Minimal meat is okay, but not necessary.

Meat lover’s pizza only.

No blue M&Ms (this one is all mine -- I'm still steamed about the tan ones).

Quirky requests aside, I go by some pretty simple rules when gathering what we eat, based on the straightforward idea of eating Real Food:

• Whole foods are best. Did the food look like this when it was alive? Was it ever alive?(Think whole chicken vs. McNugget. Farm-fresh eggs vs. "egg substitute.")
• Packaged foods should have few, understandable ingredients and NO food dyes or HFCS. (Good examples are Triscuit and Breyer’s vanilla bean ice cream.)
• There should be more whole foods than packaged ones in the cart.
• Food is supposed to go bad. If it doesn’t have that potential, it might not be food. (A cucumber will rot. A Twinkie won’t. Ever.)

Are we perfect? Goodness, no. Oreos occasionally sneak in. Dr. Pepper invades my fridge. Since we don't have them every day, they can be special treats. 

I read a lot of labels and reject a lot of things. It takes time and often costs more to shop this way, but I believe it is probably the single most important thing I can do for my family’s (and my own) health and eating pleasure. And that’s a responsibility I can’t help but take seriously!

Interested in Real Food? I love this blog, 100 Days of Real Food. She's very committed and has some great ideas.

That’s Okay; You Can Go First.

Let me take a moment to publicly appreciate those noble citizens who are always willing to adopt new technology, so that the kinks can be worked out before I get around to embracing it myself. See, I have never been first in line when it comes to new gadgets. Usually something comes out, there’s some buzz about it, and then people start buying it. And then roughly 10 years later I’ll see the light and give it a try.

Take compact discs, for example, which came out in the early 80’s. “I’m pretty happy with my 8-track tape player and my collection of LPs, and don’t see any reason to invest in another type of media.” Sure, most of my 8-tracks eventually were sat on or warped in the sun in my car. And 33-RPM records make you get up every 15 minutes or so to flip them over, but I was young and this didn’t seem inconvenient. (I also had a television without a remote, so I was hopping up anyway.) But then sometime around 1988 or so, my husband started suggesting that we modernize our collection. It took a while for him to convince me to get a CD player and once we did, it was my favorite thing. Several hundred CDs and a couple of jukeboxes later, I’m still buying them. MP3 music, alas, is not something I have any interest in. I’m pretty sure that’s a fad.

“Why would someone need a military-style vehicle to drive around in the city?” They’re tall, have a lot of cargo space, drink gas like crazy and are hard to park. And we have two people in our household. Then in 1991 I test-drove a Ford Explorer and knew immediately that the SUV was for me. Drove an Explorer for the next 20 years before I even considered another type of vehicle.

I thought the idea of satellite radio was preposterous. “Why would anyone pay for radio when it already comes to your car for free?” And then we bought a Traverse in 2010 and I found myself with 3 free months of XM radio (this is a trick…do not even turn it on unless you intend to buy it). It was right before Christmas and I discovered the holiday station. Oooh, no commercials. Whoa, such good music. Nice, I don’t have to carry CDs into the car. Hooked!

The car also came with a backup camera. “Are you kidding? I’ve been backing up for years and that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard of.” Until I tried it. So cool. It not only helps me back up better, but I can see how far into the garage I am without getting out and checking. (I know, a tennis ball hanging from the ceiling can do that too.) Now when I drive my husband’s car I’m terrified to go in reverse, because there might be something at bumper-level that I can’t see back there.

“Who needs a smart phone? A phone should be for talking.” Why on earth would anyone need a combination camera, computer and all-around communications device? That has to be charged EVERY SINGLE DAY? And how do people function with one hand effectively out of commission since it has to constantly fondle the phone? Which kind of explains why I didn’t turn in my flip-phone until 2012. But I’ll admit the smart phone is handy, and it does take WAY better pictures than the flip. It’s a far cry from the brick-sized mobile phone bolted to the console of my first Explorer (I didn’t know I wanted that either).

My latest gadget is the single-cup coffee brewer. They’re everywhere, and so are the expensive little k-cups to feed them with. It took me a while to digest the purpose – “They’d only work for a single person (and not someone married to a pot-a-day drinker)”. Then one day I realized that I AM a single person whenever my husband travels, and one cup of coffee in the morning is really all I drink anyway. So I gathered up my Kohl’s cash and my discount coupons, and got one of the smallest brewers and a refillable k-cup. This time it was Art who was skeptical. I put the new brewer (it’s cute!) next to our old one, and started experimenting with it. Art continued making a pot with the old machine, until one morning when the carafe broke and he was faced with a critical decision: no coffee or try the new device. After a few days he was sold--drinking less coffee and we weren’t wasting any of it--and I was finally ahead of someone in agreeing to new technology.

There are two possible morals to this story:

1)      Never dismiss something as silly until you’ve tried it.

2)      Don’t even consider these things because they are sure to be expensive.

Which reminds me, two different people have recently recommended the Roomba after we were all complaining about the thankless job of keeping the floor clean. So…dismiss, or look? I checked and it’s been around since 2002…